Boobs are nice, but this is why bums are better

Butts are great, ask anyone


Up until the past few years, boobs were everywhere you looked in media and advertising. Everyone loved boobs, and how could they not? Despite Sir Mix-a-Lot declaring in 1992 he likes big butts and he couldn’t lie about it, big, bouncing fun bags strapped to a woman’s chest were the epitome of sexuality and sensuality. And then something changed: slowly but surely, butts began to take over.

Bums used to be hated on unfairly, and the worst thing a woman could be told was her bum looked big in whatever she was wearing. Even though I used to hate having a bum which stuck out, my mum always used to say I’d one day thank her for giving me a bum, even though flat bums looked better in jeans. This day has finally come.

Celebrities like Jennifer Lopez, Beyoncé and Kim Kardashian have been flying the flag for bigger, rounder bums for a while now, while busty stars like Pamela Anderson and Kelly Brook have faded into the distance. Even Tab readers have declared themselves firmly to be “bum people”.

Girls with no round behind to speak of will argue men who say they like big bums are simply jumping on the bottom bandwagon, but in terms of evolution a large bum was a sign of fertility. Scientists have found a correlation between the size of a woman’s hips and butt and the intelligence of her children. The myth girls with big bums are just fatties in disguise isn’t true either. It’s far healthier to have fat around your hips, thighs and bum, whereas big boobs are often, but not always, related to fat around the stomach and heart. Sorry ladies.

Sure, boobs are good for motorboating and feeding babies and whatever, but well-rounded, pert bottoms have an endless list of amazing qualities. They look great in dresses, you can check them out on other girls without anyone catching you, they don’t hurt your back, Beyoncé has one, they sometimes wobble when you walk, you can twerk with them, they won’t sag by the time you’re 25, the list goes on. Even men have nice butts.

I have a butt, and I’ll admit it’s not the best or the biggest in my household (I’m allergic to squats) but it doesn’t mean I’m overweight or lazy. Unfortunately with my family, God decided it was one or the other – my sisters and I just couldn’t be given both boobs and butt. The world used to tell me I wasn’t sexy unless I had tits, because for God’s sake even the stick-thin Victoria’s Secret models had a pair which made me feel inadequate. Now, though, women everywhere are celebrating their butts and I feel like I have a USP compared to my mostly skinny friends.

That’s not to say we should ignore our girlfriends over in rack city, because girls with big boobs and girls with prominent behinds face similar problems: whenever we want to wear tight clothing, anything bodycon or low cut looks somehow sluttier than if our thinner sisters wore the same thing. You can love boobs and you can love bums, unfortunately you just have to love one more than the other.

So, if you’re a girl with big jugs and a non-existent bum, here are a few things to help you avoid the green-eyed monster throughout this bum Renaissance:

  1. Squat. (Just kidding, you can try though).
  2. Don’t draw attention to your massive chest 24/7; instead compliment a friend on how great her bum looks.
  3. Never ever take over the shoulder photos.

It’s better to celebrate all types of bodies, but let bums have their time in the spotlight because boobs have always been loved. I even suspect my boyfriend was a boob man until he met me.

And if I had to choose between having a big butt and a flat-chest or lovely big boobs and pancake bum, I’d choose the big juicy peach every time.