Amelia Perrin’s guide to taking a fit photo of yourself

‘Get your boobs visible and on point’

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When a girl lives far away from her ex, after getting dumped all she wants to do is get hot and take photos of their new hot self. I’m not saying this to shame anyone, because I just did this. Well, I didn’t get hot: I just worked out how to take a good selfie. The trick? It’s all about them angles.

Sometimes when I look at other girls selfies I can’t help but be critical: “If you’d just stepped back one inch the light wouldn’t be making your nose look greasy”, that sort of thing. I love girls and I want you all to look as hot as possible, so here are my tricks to taking the perfect fit photo.

The mirror selfie

This is all about the light and the background colour. I like to take mirror selfies in interesting places which have cool backgrounds, like nice restaurant bathrooms.

If there’s a light directly above the mirror, stand either just in front or just behind its ray of light, otherwise it’ll make your face look greasy and your iPhone’s auto-lighting will have an anxiety attack which leaves you ghostly pale.

tfw your home mirror is shitty so you have to take selfies in restaurant toilets

Tfw your home mirror is shitty so you have to take selfies in restaurant toilets

Once you’ve got that, work out what part of your rad fit you want to emphasize. Heels making your legs look good? Got a new handbag you want to show off? Emphasize these things by making them the main focus of the picture. Make them noticeable, then click on them so your phone focuses on it.

The next part takes some practice. Stand in front of a mirror for a bit and work out what your best angles are. Mine are either straight on with one leg bent, or side on (for booty purposes). Do this, then repeat these angles in every photo until you die.

Another top tip: if your body looks good but your face is like a pre-surgery Kardashian (e.g. in the morning when you have fake sleep-abs but zero makeup on), position your phone over your face and get some motherfucking flash all up in here. Now, you’re ready to go.

side on is truly my jam

Side on is truly my jam

The face selfie

See above for lighting rules, the same apply. The only things you need to know to take the perfect face selfie are:

a) Put more makeup on than you think you need.

b) Never smile with your teeth out unless they’re so white you may as well be advertising oil-pulling teeth whitening kits on your Instagram.

c) These kinds of selfie will never get many likes unless your tits are in them. So make your face the least of your worries and just get your boobs visible and on point.

Tits are always in fashion

I can make a mouth-open-teeth pic exception for tongue photos, OKAY

The one exception to keeping your mouth shut is for tongue photos, OK?

The full body pic

This takes practice, because the photographer doesn’t know your angles. They might think their B in GCSE photography makes them qualified for the kind of shoot you’re looking for, but it doesn’t, so humour them. Most of these won’t even make it to Instagram but sometimes they might just take a candid gem.

Practice your angles in a mirror, and work out exactly how you need to stand in order to pop dat booty. Plain backgrounds work the best, and if the person taking the photo bends down slightly it’ll give you the appearance of height to elongate your legs.

side on, leg out. well practiced.

Side on, leg out: Well practiced

The candid pic

Put on your tightest dress and get your mates to take photos of you sitting down. Sitting down photos make your body look good, ergo your ex will crywank to your Facebook post. Also, as much as I loathe them, a selfie stick really is a good investment for great mate group shots. Plus the height aspect is very forgiving if you have spots and/or are just generally super-unattractive.

so candid! so natural!

Selfie sticks give you a great angle but you look like a giant nerd using one

The chillin’ with bae pic

Please guys, don’t do the “in bed with covers pulled up, quite clearly naked and with smudged post-bang eyeliner” photo. As much as you might love your partner, I am so over seeing pictures of couples in beds. I’m not saying this from a bitter, lonely perspective: y’all are just gross.

If you want to take a genuinely cute #baelfie (bae selfie? Anyone? No..?) you’ve got to be mid-laugh, or it has to be an adorable candid captured by a well-positioned anonymous photographer in the distance. Otherwise, the #baelfie is just a photo which wards off members of the opposite sex. Unless it’s a genuinely adorable picture, expect three likes at most.

funny bae pics or gtfo

Funny bae pics or gtfo

Mid laugh #baelfie

The nude

Just crop your face. Make sure you 100 per cent crop your face.

(Nope, no example picture for this one lads.)

If you read all of this and still continue to fail, do it like Kylie and get surgery. You have no other option, uggo.