A day out on female Viagra

It was like Niagara down there

Female Viagra wasn’t too hard to find, looking for one that worked was. On every site pedaling the pink pills there were pages of unsatisfied housewives complaining “nothing changed” or their husband was “very disappointed”.

Eventually I settled on Pink Venus, from one of the UK’s biggest online sex stores. Two pills for £4.99, it had the best reviews. The side effects also looked quite hilarious – at least if it didn’t work I’d spend my evening tripping balls gripped by feverish cold sweats.

'Maintains Pleasure and Vitality'

Maintains pleasure and vitality

On arrival the tiny little box of femininity was scarily vibrant, the two pills looked like pieces of a pink crayola which had been chopped up to bite-size pieces. The packaging looked like it was covered in Barbie’s dry vomit.

The pill claimed to be made up of herbs and caffeine to help natural stimulation – though it sounded more like an ingredients list from the Anarchist’s Cook Book.

Apparently it was going to take 60 minutes for one pill to kick in. I opted to knock both of them back. After all, who has ever heard of anyone overdosing on Viagra?

30 minutes

Nothing had happened so far, except an intense paranoia regarding my early life choices. I looked up how many people have actually overdosed on Viagra. Apparently lots, no women though – one guy had to have his dick amputated.

1 hour 

Still not an awful lot going on. The buzz of the caffeine was beginning to kick in. All I felt was lightheaded – probably should not have taken two.

Becca (right) tried out female viagra

Becca (right) tried out female viagra

1 hour 30 minutes 

My boyfriend arrived to take me out to dinner. I didn’t tell him about taking the big pink pills – he would unknowingly provide objective analysis. Started to get a real high from the caffeine but as we tried to find a parking space there wasn’t even a note of erotic arousal.

2 hours 

The tingling begins, a fully fledged stirring in my loins. It happened quite suddenly just as we had been seated in Nandos. I obviously looked quite concerned about something. My partner asked if everything was all right. I couldn’t really find an easy way to tell him I had a tingling sensation in my pants – not while the family next to us was tucking into a chicken platter.

Unfortunately Sex was not on the menu.

No sign of sex extra hot on the menu

2 hours 30 minutes

Sex was not on the menu and all I wanted was someone to tuck into my chicken platter. I ordered a wrap. While waiting for our food things started to heat up. My face felt red and flushed along with some other body parts. It felt like my whole body was on fire. Sexy fire.

The tingling sensation magnified and I became quite fidgety. I instantly regretted ordering the wrap – nothing could have been more inappropriately phallic. Every time I took a bite I couldn’t help but dreamily stare across the table, thinking about biting into his own extra hot and succulent chicken wrap.

Could anything be more phallic?

It’s basically a double ended dildo

3 hours

Niagara falls opened between my legs. The word moist became arousing. I couldn’t help but feel ashamed at my thoughts surrounded by people enjoying their butterfly burgers in peace.

Could we have a quickie in the bathroom? I considered the logistics and decided it was impossible. It would be just as tricky trying to go at it behind the grill. I don’t usually enjoy my chicken with a side of ejaculate – I doubt anyone else would.

When you're wet as a river trying to act cool

When you’re wet as a river trying to act cool

3 hours 30 minutes

At least we had left Nandos, though walking through town felt very odd. Seeing as I had enough moisture between my thighs to water Kew gardens three times over, it wasn’t surprising.

Obviously it showed in my body language. “Are you sure you’re feeling all right today?” he asked with a concerned expression. Apparently I was unusually quiet. The truth was I couldn’t tear my mind away from sex for long enough to hold a decent conversation.

5 hours later

We finally got home. The Niagara effect had slowly started to fade, the hot flush was dying. I was left with a mild headache. I asked my boyfriend if he noticed anything different. He said that I seemed more irritable than usual. I hadn’t noticed that I was getting quite snappy with him – I put it down to the amount of caffeine in the pills.

By the time we were home and back in bed I was devoid of devilish desire. The sexiness had worn off and my headache was getting worse. We retired to the Xbox 360.

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If the pink pill is capable of cultivating a mild Nandos fetish within me – it certainly fulfills its arousing product description. But the at times nauseating side effects just don’t make it worth it, probably the result of my double dose. I won’t be taking them again.

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Royal Holloway, University of London national