It’s time somebody said it: Topless men are ruining my summer

Even if you’re fit, it’s not OK

national

As you’re probably aware, it’s currently the middle of summer. If you’d misplaced your calendar and weren’t sure, the quickest way to tell temperatures have entered the low 20s is to go outside and notice how there are currently men everywhere walking around with their tops off, moobs swinging haphazardly with every stride. Even more than the Tube smelling of B.O. or the number of people packed into Wetherspoons beer gardens, this flashing of flesh is truly the worst aspect of a British summer.

Before you accuse me of over-reacting, or failing to understand these poor blokes would be in danger of over-heating otherwise, stop. Nothing you say can change the fact that a man walking around in public without a shirt is gross and makes me (and countless others) extremely uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter if your BMI is off the scale or if you’re a male model, I do not want to see your fl/abs.

Now, if we were at the beach or pool, of course taking your top off would be okay. You do you. Walk around with your greasy body out. It’s appropriate. However, if we’re on Bournemouth high street and the mercury is barely pushing 21, please get the fuck out of my face and let me eat this Pret sandwich in peace. Your wiry nipple hair and glistening armpits are turning me off my Caesar baguette.

Would you please cover up already?

Would you please cover up already?

There is no reason for any man to ever need to walk around without a top on. I’ve even seen guys going topless while I’ve still got my jacket on. Why do they do it? Is it a pride thing? Are they showing off their wares? Do they think it will get them laid? Whatever the reason, it’s embarrassing.

Already I can hear the chorus of male voices rage-yelling at me over Twitter “But what if the genders were reversed? If we try and tell a woman what she can and can’t wear, feminists get their knickers twisted. How would you like being told to put a top on because ‘it’s embarrassing’?” Well, no, I wouldn’t like it. But I WOULD NEVER GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO WALK AROUND TOPLESS IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE A WOMAN WITH HER TOP OFF IN PUBLIC IS STILL CONSIDERED PUBLIC NUDITY AND AN ARRESTABLE OFFENCE. So quit your meninist spiel and put your fucking top back on so we don’t have to keep looking at your ugly-ass, unwashed back hair.

If I was allowed to walk around with my boobies out, I probably would. But I’m not. Free The Nipple happened, but, in light of the recent incidents where breastfeeding has been banned in several public places, it seems that’s as far as the female boob is allowed to come out to play. So, if you think Free The Nipple allows me to walk around like Keith on a sunny Sunday afternoon with his discarded Arsenal shirt wrapped around his waist, you’re wrong.

Men are horrendous hypocrites, walking around topless while simultaneously forbidding women from doing the same. Worse than the lawmakers preventing me from embracing a topless lifestyle are the leery creeps who leave women everywhere hurrying towards the other end of the spectrum and covering up more in the heat just so they can avoid the inappropriate stares of gross, sweaty fuckbois. Men, you really suck.

Of course, I don’t expect me saying that to make a difference and have you all rushing to put a t-shirt back on, so let’s make a deal. Legalise the female nipple and let us women walk around topless while keeping your eyes, thoughts, comments and hands to yourself, or I suggest you put your tops back on. Real fucking quick.