How to get the best room in your new house
Use those secrets wisely
You’ve found your perfect pad (or a place within your price range), and now it’s time to decide who gets the cupboard room, and who wins the throne room.
For these pointers to work, you need to know your future housemates very well. Find out their weak spots, read their diaries, hire a private detective, speak to childhood friends – no detail is irrelevant. It’s entirely necessary and not in the slightest way creepy.
“I swear I saw mould in that room?”
The simplest and oldest trick in the book: manipulate your housemates into thinking you’re doing them a favour by taking the big, huge room. You need to pick something you know will put them right off (this is where reading their diary comes in handy), and tell them the thing you now know they fear most is in the room.
“I’ll de-hair the plughole whenever it needs it for three months”
Be very careful – is the room really worth the services you’re offering? Having a slightly larger room, and in return being the house’s nominated exterminator of any creepy-crawly when you have arachnophobia, probably isn’t the worth the stress.
Find out what your housemates love. Maybe they have a secret penchant for stamp collecting, and maybe you know a stamp dealer who can get them their next fix. Or you could just buy them some chocolate and be done with it.
It doesn’t have to be as sinister as you’re thinking. If you’re close with this rival housemate, the chances are you’ve stored up some pretty damaging photos which can seriously harm their social media image. Just dangle the threat of a Facebook upload and wait for the magic to happen.
It should be noted this tactic doesn’t work if they’re weird, and frequently upload damaging photos of themselves to entertain others (or at least try to).
“Remember that time I fell over and cried and you laughed, but it turned out I broke my ankle?”
Trips down memory lane can lead to bonding, but more importantly they can lead to getting things you want. Gently remind your housemates of a time they thoroughly messed up, and wait for them to be filled with self-loathing and offer you the best room out of remorse.
The key here is playing the victim. Don’t bring the topic up out of the blue, you need to wait for someone else to do it, otherwise you’ll look like you’re trying to manipulate them or something.
Be the kindest, most thoughtful person: “Hi, I saw you were running low on _______, so I bought you some more, because I know how much you love it, and I love you.”
Don’t be transparent. Nobody wants a fake friend, they want a fake friend they don’t know is a fake friend.
Get there first
This takes a strong personality and a fast pair of legs. A very simple strategy: run up the stairs and battle your opponents out of the way. Once you’ve reached the glory room, sit on the bed and refuse to move.
This one may be effective, but it has its downfalls: namely your housemates will hate you for being selfish and stubborn. Ignore them, you can’t hear them bitching from your ivory tower.
Fake a medical reason
Be careful, if you have any medics in the house they may well shoot you down. This is going to take unshakeable confidence whichcannot be broken, even by Google proving you wrong.
An example could be claiming a neurological issue which forces you to sleep on the right side of the house, otherwise you could fall into a deep coma. Honestly, if you pull this off, I salute you – well done.
Tread carefully, friends, and remember: it doesn’t matter if you don’t have any pals after this, all that matters is you have the best room.