How to wind up your pals in lectures

Tap your pen persistently

Tap like there’s no tomorrow. This is a good starting point, it’s simple, and if you’re in a lecture you’re (hopefully) making notes so you’ll have a pen on hand…unless you’re a student of the modern age and you’ve decided to use your laptop.

In which case, become a keyboard warrior. Not an internet troll, a person who is genuinely battling with their laptops. Top marks if people start flinching at every word you type because they fear the keys may come loose and take their eye out.

Breathe extraordinarily deeply

Breathe like you’re on a yoga retreat. Make every breath count. You really want to distract them and make them notice each exhale and inhale. Bonus points if they offer you a tissue.

Note: if you start to see spots and think you might pass out, you’re doing it right.

ready for a long day of heavy breathing

Stare

Really go for it. If you can stand it, don’t blink – take eyedrops.

You really want them to be scared of you. Inject as much adoration and love into that stare as you can, and if you can incorporate heavy breathing as well it’ll really freak them out (win).

Worryingly, this photo was taken before I decided to write this article

Put your feet by their head

If your (ex)friend hates germs, this will make them truly hate you. Use with caution. The muddier the shoe, the better.

Beware being told off by the lecturer though, totally kills the vibe.

Would you do this at home?

Make them unwilling participants to your Snapchats

Nothing worse than ruining someone’s social media image. Get the photo when you’ve made sure you look fabulous and they’re caught at an awkward angle. Lol, not 100 likes now are you? Super fun.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Consume some of the smelliest snacks possible

Smoked mackerel and tinned tuna? The perfect brain fuel. Don’t let anyone stop you – it might be 9am but that doesn’t mean they can prevent you from eating.

Wait until you know your pals have been out the night before, and you’ve not gone with them because you’ve “not been feeling too well”. It’ll really get those hangovers going.

Note: Don’t expect to be invited out with them ever again though.

Be a keen bean

Don’t let you hand waver. Raise your hands in the air like you just don’t care. Ask as many questions and make as many comments as possible. The goal here is to make the lecture run on for as long as possible – an especially good time is before meals, as nothing is worse than being stuck in a lecture when you’re starving.

Bring your left-over smoked mackerel for yourself, obvs. Heaven forbid you should go hungry.

I do what I want