Why are the seagulls in Portsmouth so incredibly large?

With these bird-monsters swarming the skies, deadlines are the least of our worries

Today I realised that the birds in Portsmouth are so incredibly large. Now, when I say birds I do mean the feathery kind that squawk and fly about. Not the large, fat, fleshy ones but that works too.

Anyway, I have never realised it before but the once cute seagulls that I fed as a child, on Clarence pier, have evolved into these brutish monster bird things. They stand at about 4-foot-tall now with razor sharp beaks that appear to have evolved from eating bread to human flesh.  Their wings might as well be steroid pumped biceps and they strut around as if they own the place. First the men want to beat you up in Portsmouth, then the women do and now it seems like the wildlife does as well!

I was walking across Victoria park the other day, off to get a nice hot cuppa’ from the quaint Arts Lodge when suddenly this gull, about the size of a four-year-old child, landed in front of me and started to square me up. It squinted at me with those sharp, yellow eyes as if it was asking itself if it could take me on. Which is most likely could! I hurried off quickly the way I came and hoped that one day I would be able to stand up for myself in front of these birdy bullies.

Normally birds are terrified of us and they flutter away flustered; such as Robins and Blue Tits which are all so polite and keen to let you pass. They chirp innocently as if to say: “Sorry Miss didn’t see you there! Excuse me!” And, you would expect no different from these gulls but think again. They just stand there, judging you with their viscous eyes, watching your every move. They stand firm footed when you approach them as if they want you to know that you are in their way. They pick fights with you, seagulls do: “You wot mate, you startin on me?”

They are large, unnaturally large, but if you think one is bad, what about a gang of them? Down Southsea Seafront they appear as mobs, plotting  their next coup with their demonic bird calls. Walking by idly, I didn’t even venture close to them in fear of being mugged, or worse, stabbed. Who knows what these birds are capable of? I edged away quietly, in hope they didn’t see me and continued elsewhere for my own safety. It’s like when you see a horde of hooded hooligans smoking outside the local Co-Op; they could just be minding their own business but there is still that part of you which knows they can effortlessly dump your body in a skip in North End, and get away with it.

So, when you next visit the beach or explore the park, watch out! They are large and in numbers. They are ready. Don’t approach them. Only go outside if you must! Stay safe in Portsmouth…from all kinds of birds! birds_with_arms93

All photo credit: http://www.iywib.com/birds_with_arms.php

University of Portsmouth