All the gear and no idea: A guide to being a superior athlete

New years resolution to get in shape? All the tips you need to fool everyone into thinking you are a fitness god.


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It has come to that time of year where we realise that the unrealistic health challenges we set ourselves for the new year are not going to happen. You could feel bad about this and lament your shitty will power, or, you could cheat.

The problem with being a sports god is that it requires a whole lot of effort. You have to train, eat right and replace your 5am trawl of anything-left-standing in Cuba with a glass of water and an early night. To be honest I, like many others, would rather eat glass than spend five days a week in the gym. Fortunately, whilst it is difficult to be a sports god, it is very easy to seem like one.

Eat Like a Winner

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You have to fuel your body properly. All of your meals should now be consumed from a protein shaker.

It does not matter how many calories you get through in a day, if they are consumed from a protein shaker they instantly become a health snack. Be sure to fill and shake your beverage in full view of other gym users/members of your house/in the silent area of the library for maximum effect.

Dress for Success

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Half of being a superior athlete is dressing like a superior athlete. You should walk around in sports gear 24/7. This lets your non-superior friends know that you are always on your way to/on your way back from the gym. This is especially effective when combined with shouting to your flatmates that you are “off out on a run” whenever you leave the house. It doesn’t matter where you go and the longer you leave the better.

Maximise your workout potential

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Can’t decide between going to the gym and playing Xbox? Have you tried playing Fifa/Madden/COD in your gym gear? It’s basically the same thing and you don’t even have to shower afterwards.

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Convenient Sports Injury

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Congratulations, you have just obtained a debilitating sports injury. This injury cut your promising youth career short and prevents you from displaying your strength and guile on the competitive stage. Tragically a ‘super-gangrenous tendon sprain’ only flares up minutes before you have to leave the house for a 9am lecture. And just before your housemates ask you to help them with their shopping. And when you should be tidying your festering house. Its inconvenience knows no bounds.