How to prepare for St. Jude’s Storm
Surviving the oncoming storm for students.
“There’s a storm coming, Harry. And we all best be ready when she does.”
The U.K. is in a state of urgency. We must prepare for the worst.
Here’s some handy tips on Storm Survival:
#1 – Assign a Storm Coordinator
This individual must possess the ability to remain calm under pressure, be willing to take their life for the sake of the group, and they must not be afraid of storms. Obviously.
#2 – Grab a towel
You might get wet. Man’s greatest invention since sliced bread, the towel offers unparalleled expertise in the drying department. Grab one as soon as possible and you’re ready to tackle the storm head on.
#3 – Suit up.
If you haven’t already, get a wet suit. Now. Whilst your friends and foes meet a watery grave with the ensuing storm, at least you’ll be the one who’s dry.
Be sure to thoroughly test the suit too.
#4 – Have an escape plan
If you’re prepared to flee to safer grounds, be sure to have some form of transportation readily available. Make sure to have a weapon to defend yourself not only against the elements but other humans too. People will turn crazy in the forthcoming apocalypse.
#5 – Build a raft
Make a raft out of anything you can find; this will be your own Noah’s Ark when the heavens open up to punish us for our sins. Beer bongs provide the perfect companion in catching rainwater.
#6 – Barricade
We all know that storms never knock. Barricade the shit out of your house with anything you can lay your hands on.
#7 – Build a fort
This is the most important procedure. When humanity is on the brink of destruction, you will need to stick together. Build a fort that can withstand severe wind and rain. We recommend duvets and chairs.
Oh, and be sure to cast a forcefield around your base for extra protection.
Don’t forget to build a reasonable entrance.
#8 – Prepare for the worst
If you survive the initial onslaught, prepare for the aftermath. Venturing out may not be an option for a while, so be sure to stock up on what’s important.
# 9 – If all hope is lost, get drunk
So, you’re going to die. Yeah, it sucks, but at least accept your fate and go out with a laugh – why not? Don’t let a storm bring you down.