The Tab guide to getting ready for exam season

A list of 12 handy tips to help you get through these tough days of revision

  1. Highlight key words in your notes. Keylight high notes in your words. Your high word keys light in notes.
  2. Stop thinking about soap, silly! Stop wondering how they make it, stop wondering why it’s called soap, stop wondering why it’s sometimes a liquid and sometimes a solid! It’s not worth your time, unless you study Soap Sciences. However, research indicates this is not a degree. So don’t do it!
  3. Drink too much water! Drink enough that at any point, you are worried your bladder may rupture and sink Vanuatu. Drink until you are a bloated sac of dampness. It is imperative that you are painfully well hydrated at any given time. Your thoughts travel through water, and so they will travel faster and with more ease the more water you put them in. It’s simple!
  4. Go to sleep every night, and if you wake up screaming “Christ, oh Christ, a vengeful God will cast a plague upon me for my lax revision” this is a good sign that you are working just enough. Keep it up!
  5. Make sure your thoughts are loud enough! Do this by writing everything in capital letters. If your brain is shouting at you, you’re much more likely to remember its demands and threats.
  6. Listen to Martin Luther King Jr’s ‘I Have A Dream’ speech every day, and every time he says the word ‘dream’, bellow the date of a historical treaty signing over it. This will maintain the warlike mentality that learning history requires. Every time he says ‘I’, bellow a flavour of soup over it. This will help you remember types of soup!
  7. Make good use of colour. Not in a human skin colour way, of course. Why does it always have to be about race with you? Have you learnt nothing from yelling over MLK? You people sicken me.
  8. Count down the days until your exams on one calendar, and count down the days until the sun explodes on another calendar. The only deadline that really matters is when the sun explodes, so as long as you’re on the right track by then, you should be ok.
  9. Download apps to prevent you from procrastinating! My favourite app is called ‘Defenestrate your laptop every time you think about going on Facebook, or soap.’ The name isn’t the catchiest, but if you’ve got a stockpile of laptops, the app has a stockpile of revision aides.
  10. Never tell anyone what happened that night we were together. I’ll never forgive you. You’ve been warned, Lawrence.
  11. Set goals! Then move the goalposts. Then realise you really have no idea about the rules of cricket at all. Allow it to dawn on you why they never let you play sports at school. You’re a thinker, not a doer.
  12. Forgive the man you suspect of disliking soup who lives close to you. Yes, you did once see him recoil as you began your daily soup screaming ritual. Fine, you would not be surprised to learn that he does not consider soup a food. These are issues of his, not yours. Open your heart to him.
  13. Become a revisionist! Historians have been described as ‘revisionist’ which means they hated revision. So, in an exam, say you’re a revisionist and write whatever you want. If they don’t give you marks, they’re oppressing you.