No, I don’t watch Game of Thrones – and I never will

Season six has arrived and I couldn’t care less


My first encounter with Game of Thrones involved walking in on my dad, watching a man have molten gold poured over his head by his sister’s fiance/husband/giant mate.

The second was a youtube clip of a bloke pushing a little boy out of a tower window, because the kid saw him going at it with his sister.

I’ve since been informed that these are two of the “more normal” things that happen in season one, and it only gets worse in those that follow.

What?

contemplating why anyone would actually watch this show

It’s as if someone has taken Lord of the Rings, added in a load of messed up sexual fantasies, quadrupled the violence, shaken it up, and spat on it.

And apparently I’m the strange one for not enjoying it?

‘But the visual effects are stunning!’

Location minus gloomy cinematic effects

If you love yourself a good CGI dragon, you could easily watch Eragon or even the Hobbit and waste a whole lot less of your time. As for the scenery, would you really commit to six seasons just to see some pretty landscapes? Granted, the locations are incredible. Last summer my friends convinced me to go on holiday with them to Dubrovnik in Croatia. (King’s Landing ringing any bells?) and it really was beautiful.

However, I would have preferred to think I was walking down some particularly underwhelming steps for the purpose of heading to the beach, rather than listening to tourists gushing about the fact it was where some naked bird was forced to walk as punishment for doing the dirty with someone she shouldn’t have.

(I’m also not bitter that I was abandoned at the hostel while my friends went on a Game of Thrones walking tour. Not bitter at all.)

‘… and the characters are so interesting’

What? I’m dead?

Apparently, the characters are all so powerful and individual and amazing. But that’s even more reason to hate it with they KEEP ON DYING. You can’t fawn over characters when you know, as soon as you become attached to one, they’re going to be eaten by a dragon or beheaded or they have their eyeballs squeezed out. I swear at least three “main” characters die each episode. It’s not worth the emotional commitment.

‘…and it’s actually really political and adult’

So I’ve heard it was particularly politically heavy to begin with, but it’s pretty much impossible to argue that Game of Thrones hasn’t transcended into a sex-fuelled, fantasy realm of dragons and ghost-babies and ice-zombies. What had the potential to be a powerful political allegory, is now just a drawn-out, screwed up fantasy generating heaps of revenue with plain black, “winter is coming” slogan t-shirts.

‘It brings people together’

…to watch brutal, violent sex, and quite a lot of death. So basically a group porn watching session, with a fair amount of gore thrown in. Don’t really think this is a GoT-appreciation justification to shout about.

‘Well whatever, the plot twists keep you hooked’

Have you ever tried explaining the plot to someone who hasn’t seen it? Probably not. If you had, you will have very quickly realised how absurd the whole thing is. There are plot twists and killing off the main characters (and best actors) at every possible opportunity. Another death, I’m bored, move on.

As for the guy who wrote the books, you have to wonder what was going through his mind to write about such gruesome situations in such weirdly intimate detail. You’d think that somewhere in between writing about murdering children, incest, dragons and a giant defensive wall made of ice, he’d have been able to come up with at least one remotely likeable character, that survives long enough for you to remember their name. Apparently not.

I’m constantly told that if I give it a go, I’ll understand how incredible it is, but I’m pretty content that I’ve seen enough, and I’m still not convinced.

So yeah, please don’t invite me to your GOT screening party, or ask whether I reckon Jon Snow has actually kicked the bucket. I don’t care.

And no, the theme tune is not even remotely catchy.