A short history explaining why Oxford is more fun than Cambridge

If fun means ‘horribly depraved’

national

Way back in 1209 a dispute among scholars caused many clerks to leave Oxford and establish a new place of learning in Cambridge.

Those who left were the ones ideologically opposed to having sexual intercourse with animals. Way up until the present day, bestiality has remained an integral part of Oxford tradition.

In the 1600s during the English civil war, Cambridge naturally backed its puritanical, killjoy MP, Oliver Cromwell. Still, the more lavish folk at Oxford had toned down their bestial behaviour, only allowing their clerks to perform sexual acts on dead animals.

Smash cut forward to few centuries later.

In 1977 the Piss Gaviscon drinking society was founded in Oxford, whose motto is  “fane non memini ne audisse unum porcum ita dilixisse” which roughly translates as “Truly, none remember hearing of a man enjoying a pig so much”.

Piers and the boys having more fun than anyone ever has at Cambridge

Piers and the boys having more fun than anyone ever has at Cambridge

To this day in Oxford, the gents who run the Piers pays homage to pigs. It’s rumoured that during initiation meals, new members are required to put pigs testicles in their mouths for dinner. They have more fun at these nights than the geeks who study Natural Sciences at Cambridge have in an entire lifetime.

Another perverse tradition among Oxford students is “getting blazed”. Often mistaken for a public school game where senior students tie down freshers and attack them with a flamethrower, getting blazed is in fact a term used for smoking cannabis. In response to recent allegations of getting blazed during their university years, one senior minister had this to say:

“I have been pinned down and had my feet burned by a naked flame on several occasions but I have never smoked cannabis.”

Your typical Oxford student

Your typical Oxford student

It is well known that Stephen Hawking fared far better during his graduate studies in Cambridge. This is arguably because he could cross the quad without being pressured into getting as baked as a bean – unlike his undergraduate years at University College Oxford, home to cross-joint quad, which gets its name from its overlapping paths that look like a cross-joint.

This week it was revealed that David Cameron allegedly put his cock in a dead pig’s mouth. Let’s rewind and replay: David Cameron allegedly put his cock in a dead pig’s mouth. Cameron, the former PR man who apart from being a little oily (enough for passing seabirds to get stuck in him) has never really provoked that much in the way of thought.

But now we’re all thinking. The Prime Minister did that, for a laugh, while he was at Oxford. Chuck out the history books, they’ll have to be rewritten. Nothing at Cambridge will ever come close: it will simply be a footnote to our antics.