Which Eurovision country is your college?

Eurovision is right around the corner – so we took a look at this year’s entries and with careful analysis and not-at-all-tenuous connections worked out which country is your college. Now you know which song to play on repeat for the next week.

Balliol – UK

The UK’s entry this year is the surprisingly not-awful Still in Love With You: a super jazzy ’20s style track set in an amazingly hip bar. Historic Balliol, with what’s thought to be the best bar in Oxford, fits the formula perfectly.

Brasenose – Albania

A slow, artistic song about people with different jobs, this video looks quite a lot like a Tory party advert – if you got rid of all the tears. Brasenose alum Dave would be proud.

Christ Church – Israel

Golden Boy is a charming, incredibly catchy song – designed to be as popular as possible. Christ Church is the same: a college almost tailor made for mass appeal to tourists and OUCA alike.

Corpus Christi – Poland

Poland have submitted a song about the past, featuring lots of old photos. It’s not bad – and neither is Corpus. But Poland’s song, much like Corpus’ famous alumni (Miliband, anyone?) won’t be remembered for long.

Exeter – Montenegro

Montenegro’s Adio is a song shot with sweeping landscapes. It’s evocative of the eternally popular Lord of the Rings films – which were written by Exeter’s very own JRR Tolkien.

Hertford – Italy

Italy’s Grand Amore is every bit as Italian as it gets: it’s basically about a guy helping a girl make some pottery. Their hands get very messy. Oxford’s Little Venice, Hertford, can surely relate. Spider-Man even appears in the video: about as inexplicable as people’s fascination with the Bridge of Sighs.

Jesus – Germany

Germany’s song this year is very polished, quite mainstream and a bit unobjectionable. Almost exactly like Jesus, then.

Keble – Moldova

Keble is known for looking entirely different to the other colleges, and for having a Marmite reputation. Moldova’s trippy song, which opens with a car chase and ends with car sex, is much the same. It’s entirely extravagant and high budget, as well – just like Keble’s famous balls.

Lady Margaret Hall – Switzerland

LMH has some of the most beautiful gardens in Oxford – and so does this video from Switzerland. Embracing nature at its fullest, its apt to liken this to the college based next to University Parks. The only thing LMH is missing is the horses.

Magdalen – Russia

Russia’s song is a perfect stereotype of the country. The singer is about as Russian as you can get. The song features lots of seemingly happy members of the public, who look a bit unhappy under it all. Just like how Magdalen is Oxford in a nutshell, opening itself up to tourists and entertaining us all on May Day, even though deep down none of us are really happy after an all nighter in Bridge.

Merton – Ireland

This is a nice, simple piano piece from Ireland. But it’s called “Playing With Numbers”, so of course academic heavyweights Merton get the maths-themed song.

New – Sweden

This is a legitimately very good song. Lyrically strong. Quite catchy. A bit fun and folksy. Just like New is a bit of an all round college. Think about it – have you ever had an issue with New? Thought not.

Oriel – Finland

Finland have submitted a lovely hardcore metal anthem. It’s loud and unlike anything else. Oriel just voted to stay disaffiliated from OUSU. Much like Finland, they do what they want. This song’s for them.

Pembroke – Georgia

Georgia’s song is amazing. There’s an archer, and quite the zoological diversity: wolves, snakes and birds. Pembroke had a petting zoo last year. They even had a snake. Basically the same.

Queen’s – France

France have set their video on a beach. It is a very typical French Eurovision entry. It’s not bad, but quite over the top. Queen’s is a typical Oxford college – well placed, a little extravagant and impossible to miss. Eurovision/Oxford stalwarts, the both.

Somerville – Czech Republic

The Czech Republic’s Eurovision entry is deep, philosophical and a little bit introspective. Somerville students are the same – away from the bustling city centre, they can take the time to reflect and pontificate.

St Anne’s –  Estonia

This video opens with a guy in bandages in a car. It’s unclear if he’s just had a one night stand or been involved in a murder. It closes with someone else chopping onions. It’s hard to understand. St Anne’s is one of those places no one really gets either – they’d fit right in in Estonia.

St Benet’s – Australia

Let’s be honest: Australia doesn’t really belong in Eurovision. But their entry is pretty good – it’s fun and jazzy. It’s just like St Benet’s – not a college, but loveable all the same.

St Catz – Belgium

This is the edgiest video I’ve seen in a while. The guy is worryingly pale and is using a 10 year old Xbox controller. There’s unexpected blood at the end. This has to be for the edgiest amongst us – St Catz, this one’s yours.

St Hugh’s – Hungary

It takes a good minute of preamble for this song to start. It takes a good 30 minutes to walk to St Hugh’s from Central Oxford. Maybe if you listen to this on repeat for that walk it might become a bit more bearable.

St John’s – Norway

Norway’s video features a very extravagant banquet. It looks legitimately really great. I’ve never been to hall at the wealth machine that is John’s, but I imagine that if I did it would look like this. Minus the food fight, probably.

Teddy Hall – Malta

Malta’s Warrior is loud, brash and has a very pretty garden in it. Teddy Hall has a reputation for wild nights with the rugby lads and lovely, albeit small grounds. This is their jam.

Trinity – Denmark

Trinity, like Christ Church, is the college of mass appeal. Tourist friendly and well placed, it’s a feel good college: you can’t help but be happy when you’re on their gigantic lawns. Denmark’s Eurovision entry is teen pop at its finest – feel good and designed to appeal to eager teenagers. The similarities are undeniable.

Univ – Azerbaijan

Hour of the Wolf is a bit dark, a bit modern and a bit laughable. In other words, a classic Eurovision trope. Univ is a bit old, a bit famous and a bit Hogwarts-y. A classic Oxford trope.

Wadham – Belarus

Belarus’ video is absolutely inexplicable – amazing fashion choices, a random appearance from a snake and a weird sand timer with a person inside. And yet it’s brilliant. It screams out Wadham on every level.

Worcester – Romania

Romania’s video has a lake. Worcester College owns a lake. This one’s obvious.