A single’s soundtrack to Valentine’s Day
A disgustingly miserable playlist to make you feel even worse
The TabIt’s okay. Everything is going to be okay. Ryan Gosling and James Blunt are here to sing away the pain, the pine, the loneliness. Get the tissues ready (chaps, please) and prepare to savour the bitter taste of your own salty tears of utter desolation.
The Tab Oxford has curated an utter onslaught of hard-hitting soul destroyers, guaranteed to rub salt in the wound of your brooding misery. Prepare to have your ripped out. Metaphorically.
Ryan Gosling – ‘You Always Hurt the One You Love’ in ‘Blue Valentine’
This kills me. This whole film kills me. Part of me died that day. And it’s never coming back. Cinematic context aside, this is largely what dreams are made of – but it’s never coming true.
James Blunt – Goodbye My Lover
An absolute classic. Blunt’s forlorn cries will echo in your mind and haunt your dreams – “I’M SO HOLLOW BABY, I’M SO HOLLOW. I’M SO, I’M SO, I’M SO HOLLOW.”
The Streets – Dry Your Eyes
Mike Skinner – poetical genius, the Wordsworth of our times, voice of a generation. True balladry in verse form.
Mazzy Star – Into Dust
Remember the O.C? Remember Ryan and Marissa? My heart shatters at the sheer thought of it. I need a moment.
Frank Ocean – Acura Integurl
Frank, before he was Frank, turning a song dedicated to his car into a serene lamentation. Obviously it’s a metaphor for a girl but like, that’s besides the point. I hear kittens weeping.
Drake – Marvin’s Room
Everyone’s favourite “feelings” rapper, Drizzy comes through with that Young Money Cash Money Bitch ballad. I like to see myself in Drake’s position, sitting in my room at college, having just returned from Bridge – although the ‘cups of the XO’ were probably DVRB’s, and if I rung a girl, she definitely wouldn’t pick up. Do I even have any girl’s numbers? Alas.
Aphex Twin – Avirl 14th
Imagine a sea of angels weeping, and the sound of their tears falling into a glistening pool of moonlit despair. This piece of music sounds nothing like that image I’ve just conjured, but what it does feel like is a shoulder to cry on in sonic form, a warm, melodious embrace from your mum. Hold me.
Radiohead – True Love Waits
A musical actualisation of our “desperate desire to connect, fully and meaningfully, with just one person” in our lives. Great.
Omg guys, Jacob Elordi is going to Oxford University in October to study English
Lydia Spencer-ElliottHe fell in love with the campus while filming Saltburn
Oxford Uni lecturer stalked by man who flew 4,000 miles to her with a can of pepper spray
Emily SmithHe sent his bags to her office and wanted her to ‘be his Valentine’
Oxford Uni chaplain who compared sex offenders to ‘puppies needing training’ given welfare role
He asked one student assault victim if they were ‘aware of the effect they had on men’, but has now secured a post at another college
These are the subjects you need to study at Oxbridge to more than double your grad salary
In one subject, studying it at Oxbridge over any other uni will get you £47k more per year
Oxford University College offers students a Halal menu option but it includes… red wine
One student said she was ‘sadly not surprised’ at the mistake
Two of Emma Watson’s lecturers at The University of Oxford have successfully sued the uni
Emma Watson studies on Oxford’s creative writing course
So, people are rinsing Oxford students for dancing at a ball and it’s low-key really mean
A Ceilidh is a huge part of Scottish culture
Oxford University Vice-Chancellor with £232k salary says grads should be donating to their uni
Was my £9k a year not enough!
Two of Emma Watson’s lecturers at Oxford are suing the university for unfair dismissal
The lecturers also compared their situation to the Post Office scandal
Oxford uni called ‘patronising’ for job advice despite banning its students from working
Oxford’s policy on part-time jobs reads: ‘Term-time employment is not permitted except under exceptional circumstances’
Students from two Oxford colleges are throwing Saltburn themed parties this term
One of them is Felix and Oliver’s actual college from the film
Students at University of Oxford housed in four-star hotels due to a lack of accommodation
One of the hotels costs up to £150 a night and has an indoor pool and spa
A professor at the University of Oxford has told students to use ChatGPT for essays
The economics students were told AI ‘should help you produce a much better essay’
Oxford students forced to sleep in queues for over 24 hours to sign uni accommodation
‘It was absolutely freezing, I’m wearing three jumpers right now’
All the Oxford on campus filming locations where Emerald Fennell shot Saltburn
Harrison BrocklehurstStudents literally loaned their actual dorm rooms to the production team
BBC denies allegations of antisemitism on University Challenge due to octopus mascot and Palestinian flag colours
‘We utterly condemn the abuse that has been posted and shared’
Oxford student found escort waiting in their room booked by the university
The student found a ‘woman sitting on [their] bed in a lingerie robe’ in their hotel room
So, some Oxford Colleges actually have a chalet students can visit and it’s big Tory vibes
Rah Bartholomew are you coming to the College chalet this year?
Katie Hopkins is speaking at the Oxford Union this term and shock, no one wants her
She’s going to be debating… veganism?
Oxford College asks students to sleep on mattresses in shared rooms due to RAAC in halls
Not really the Oxford dark-academia dream you signed up for is it?
Richard Gadd speaks about how similar Baby Reindeer’s Martha actually is to his real stalker
Phoebe KowhaiShe did actually send him over 41,071 emails and leave 350 hours of voicemails
Student at £43,000 a year private school ‘smashed the skulls’ of two students with hammer
The 17-year-old also tried to kill a teacher in ‘horrific attack’
Ellie Ring
What have Timothy and Lucinda been up to since their MAFS Australia 2024 homestay fight?
They’re still besties!
Here’s where to watch Richard Gadd next if you’re obsessed with Netflix’s Baby Reindeer
He’s in a police show with Stephen Graham!
Digs at Davide to Lorraine Kelly drama: What Ekin-Su has been up to since Celeb Big Brother
Iona MacRobertShe’s been in the headlines a lot lately
After their tense homestay, are Jack and Tori still together after MAFS Australia 2024?
I need answers immediately
Yikes! A snippet of Taylor Swift’s new album has allegedly leaked and people are SLATING it
‘We declared Charlie Puth should be a bigger artist’ is an actual lyric
Inside the life of Walton Goggins, the Fallout ghoul everyone is weirdly crushing on
Lily ColdstreamYes, it’s possible to thirst after a man who looks like a carved pumpkin
What has Andrea been up to since leaving MAFS Australia 2024 with her head held high?
She’s living her best life
Love Island’s Zach goes on huge rant about girls ‘wearing nothing’ and ‘selling themselves’
‘People really out here selling themselves for some views/likes’
So, here’s the real reason why Martha calls Donny Baby Reindeer
The show is named after the pet name Martha actually called him in real life
Lauren from MAFS Australia has been spotted on a night out getting close to her ex again
There’s picture evidence!!!
Producers forced Tim to bring up cheating scandal again on homestays for more MAFS drama
And edited their homestays to ‘look worse than it actually was’
‘Shameful’: Sydney Sweeney savagely claps back at claims she ‘is not pretty and can’t act’
‘How sad that a woman in the position to share her expertise and experience chooses instead to attack another woman’
OMG! The viral four lads in jeans are back and the jeans got… baggy
It’s been five years since the first picture was posted!
Lizz claims she’s no longer friends with Jack after Tori ‘forbid’ them seeing each other
And apparently even tried to get Lizz fired?!
Definitively ranking all the episodes of Fallout series one from worst to best
Kind of like picking your favourite child
What does the wind emoji Jack sent about his sex life with Tori on MAFS Australia 2024 mean?
I’ve never felt so out of touch