Tab Tries: going to a sciences lecture

10:08 – Arrived late like the no-good arts student I am because I assumed this would be in Exam Schools #notalllectures

10:09 – Still not worth the extra five minutes on my bike, but this is actually a proper lecture theatre/gladiator fighting pit. Also I’m in the front row, and everyone knows I don’t belong because I bought a laptop, what a nob.

10:11 – The lecturer has an unnecessarily long bamboo stick for pointing. These are the kind of lectures I imagined back in my plebeian hometown, when the dreaming spires were still a thing.

Imposing/wanky

Graduated seating u wot m8

10:12 – He’s addressing those of us who didn’t do GCSE maths. Is this sarcasm? And he keeps saying things are simple. Things are not simple.

10:14 – Man’s got some jokes in, one about the Austro-Hungarian empire that didn’t go down too well, but there were a good few laughs when he said you “should never ever let a theoretician even think of attempting an experiment!!!” Hahaha I would never, you absolute joker.

10:15 – “What do we actually do with the Sackur-Tetrode equation?” You tell me, Mr. Chemistry Lecturer.

10:19 – Apparently xtal is shorthand for crystal… Chemistry slang, yo.

10:21 – So the equation on screen is “pretty laborious”, as in it’d take four to five years to complete. Maybe this is why he keeps describing everything else as “simple” and “obvious”.

10:23 – We are now looking at rotational contribution to the molecular partition function for heteronuclear diatomics. Cool.

10:25 – Ah, the familiar rigid rotor module, which we should know from our quantum spectroscopy lectures.

10:26 – He’s caught someone having a nap! The lecture is brought to a standstill to scold the sleeping renegade. I have never been so afraid of a lecturer, this is so tense.

10:29 – Back to the jokes with a classic – “If you know 2B … or not 2B!!!” This guy.

10:32 – I’ve worked it out: the lecturer is an absolute clone of the Archbishop of Canterbury from Johnny English.

10:37 – The laser pointer is out. The stick is so half an hour ago.

10:38 – He is now standing very close to me. He knows! He knows I don’t belong!

10:40 – The boy on my right is pretending to look at his notes, but his eyes are closed. No fooling me, sir! The lecturer is still describing very complicated things as simple.

???!?!?!?

10:42 – We’re on the last page of the handout! There’s a graph!

10:43 – Made accidental eye contact with the lecturer as he shouted “I know it for all molecules!” I am so scared of him.

10:44 – He really owns the room though – he’s doing a whole lot of pacing and gesturing.

10:46 – We finished early! Quite a few “note-readers” dozing off at this point (recovering from a mad one at Bridge you lads?) so no one really noticed for a few awkward minutes.

11:01 – Post lecture spread at the bio-chem café is a stunner. Bacon sandwich for my lecture guide, soy latte for me (did I mention I’m an arts student yet guys) makes it all worthwhile.

Scientists are absolute hard nuts but they do like a good breakfast buffet