Tabometer: Week five
Is 5th week still shit? Yeah.
We explore Oxford’s trends with our very accurate, scientific scale.
GOING UP
Nothing, it’s 5th week.
GOING DOWN
Man Flu
This epidemic has taken Oxford by storm this week. Early symptoms include snivelling in lectures and mild to moderate complaining but these can swiftly develop into more serious cases such as the inability to move anywhere outside of college walls, compulsive shopping in Boots’ Vitamin C section and existential cries to ‘Go on without me!’.
If any of these symptoms develop, you should contact somebody who doesn’t really care immediately.
Capitox
After not controlling the fact that their whole mailing list was signed up to UKIP overnight, Capitox just got even worse than it already was.
Students who aspire to be in finance from age 18 are bad enough without having affiliations with Nige thrust upon them too. Poor chaps.
Promoters
5 notifications a day and they are all from ‘CARWASH’, ‘RETOX’ and ‘WAREHOUSE SATURDAYS’. Oxford promoters sure know how to make shit nights even more annoying.
Carbon
Well, it’s finally happened. Carbon is well and truly being pulled down and it sure did send off in style this week.
Fans are concerned about the future location of their weekly house music fix. Rumour has it the space is turning into a strip club… a curious one.
WE MISS YOU CARBON
Omg guys, Jacob Elordi is going to Oxford University in October to study English
Lydia Spencer-ElliottHe fell in love with the campus while filming Saltburn
Oxford Uni lecturer stalked by man who flew 4,000 miles to her with a can of pepper spray
Emily SmithHe sent his bags to her office and wanted her to ‘be his Valentine’
Oxford Uni chaplain who compared sex offenders to ‘puppies needing training’ given welfare role
He asked one student assault victim if they were ‘aware of the effect they had on men’, but has now secured a post at another college
These are the subjects you need to study at Oxbridge to more than double your grad salary
In one subject, studying it at Oxbridge over any other uni will get you £47k more per year
Oxford University College offers students a Halal menu option but it includes… red wine
One student said she was ‘sadly not surprised’ at the mistake
Two of Emma Watson’s lecturers at The University of Oxford have successfully sued the uni
Emma Watson studies on Oxford’s creative writing course
So, people are rinsing Oxford students for dancing at a ball and it’s low-key really mean
A Ceilidh is a huge part of Scottish culture
Oxford University Vice-Chancellor with £232k salary says grads should be donating to their uni
Was my £9k a year not enough!
Two of Emma Watson’s lecturers at Oxford are suing the university for unfair dismissal
The lecturers also compared their situation to the Post Office scandal
Oxford uni called ‘patronising’ for job advice despite banning its students from working
Oxford’s policy on part-time jobs reads: ‘Term-time employment is not permitted except under exceptional circumstances’
Students from two Oxford colleges are throwing Saltburn themed parties this term
One of them is Felix and Oliver’s actual college from the film
Students at University of Oxford housed in four-star hotels due to a lack of accommodation
One of the hotels costs up to £150 a night and has an indoor pool and spa
A professor at the University of Oxford has told students to use ChatGPT for essays
The economics students were told AI ‘should help you produce a much better essay’
Oxford students forced to sleep in queues for over 24 hours to sign uni accommodation
‘It was absolutely freezing, I’m wearing three jumpers right now’
All the Oxford on campus filming locations where Emerald Fennell shot Saltburn
Harrison BrocklehurstStudents literally loaned their actual dorm rooms to the production team
BBC denies allegations of antisemitism on University Challenge due to octopus mascot and Palestinian flag colours
‘We utterly condemn the abuse that has been posted and shared’
Oxford student found escort waiting in their room booked by the university
The student found a ‘woman sitting on [their] bed in a lingerie robe’ in their hotel room
So, some Oxford Colleges actually have a chalet students can visit and it’s big Tory vibes
Rah Bartholomew are you coming to the College chalet this year?
Katie Hopkins is speaking at the Oxford Union this term and shock, no one wants her
She’s going to be debating… veganism?
Oxford College asks students to sleep on mattresses in shared rooms due to RAAC in halls
Not really the Oxford dark-academia dream you signed up for is it?
Kaching! The Russell Group uni subjects you need to study if you want to be a millionaire
Awkward time to be an English student x
17 years since it first aired, this is who from the Skins cast is actually still friends
Iona MacRobertI wish I was invited to their lunch reunions
A side by side comparison of Black to Black’s cast and the real people they played
Jess LawlorThey got the beehive spot on
Baby Reindeer: A psychologist has explained why Martha always used ‘Sent from my iPhone’
Despite not even owning an iPhone
A look at Richard Gadd’s intense transformation in order to appear ‘neurotic’ on Baby Reindeer
Francesca EkeHe drastically changed his appearance for the series
There was another chaotic editing error on MAFS Australia 2024 last night and it’s CARNAGE
Ellie RingHow did the producers miss this?!
The five fashion trends all the cool girlies are wearing to festivals in 2024, according to Pinterest
Grace VielmaThe lewk bewk isn’t ready for this
Matty Healy has addressed Taylor Swift’s ‘diss track’ and is characteristically unbothered
‘I haven’t really listened’
Everything Lauren has been up to since leaving MAFS Australia 2024 like an absolute queen
She’s an icon, a legend and she is the moment
‘Honestly, I expected backlash’: Richard Gadd speaks on Baby Reindeer’s staggering success
Phoebe Kowhai‘I didn’t expect it to be this big so quickly’
Selling the OC cast member Alexandra Jarvis has officially quit the Oppenheim Group
Jason Oppenheim recently confirmed her departure
Omg, MAFS UK fan favourite Georges is rumoured to appear on Celebs Go Dating!
Get him back on our screens!
Lauren reveals the ‘spicy’ parts of her MAFS Australia final vows that were cut from show
Jono should be thankful these weren’t aired
24 years after it first came out, what is the iconic cast of Gilmore Girls up to now?
Give me another reunion asap please
Here’s where else to watch the Outer Banks cast while you wait patiently for season four
Filling the major Pogue shaped hole in my life rn
Everything Natalie and Collins have been up to since their disastrous time on MAFS Australia
If I had to hear about Collins discussing OnlyFans, you do too
Everything Richard Gadd has said about Jessica Gunning’s captivating Baby Reindeer performance
‘It lived and died on Martha and we couldn’t have been luckier’
Okay, so what happens next in the Ellie and Jono cheating saga on MAFS Australia 2024?
Jono becomes public enemy number one
The 10 best songs on Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department, according to streams
Justice for So High School!!!
Jess reveals she and Callum ‘no longer speak’ after he did something ‘unforgiveable’ to her
‘I wouldn’t say he’s a friend’