Why Postgrads are better

You smell, you shark and you’re constantly climbing the social ladder

The Undergraduate’s room is a cesspit; Domino’s boxes are strewn across the floor, the remains of a kebab and chips special fester on a desk and thousands of half-empty beer cans make movement impossible. Imagine the state of Tulisa’s house if she didn’t have a team of servants and you’d be frighteningly close to the mark.

The nights out aren’t much better. Freshers are keen to make their mark and climb a mysterious social ladder. Desperate to leave their nerdy school reputation behind them, they adopt phrases like ‘classic’ and ‘jokes’ in an attempt to conceal their fifteen thousand strong post count and moderator status on The Student Room.

Pre-drinking with a 12-pack of Carling, they head to the grimiest, nightclub they can find. Heading straight for the ‘cheese floor’, they jump up and down furiously to trashy pop exchanging body odour and saliva.

stop this

Afraid to miss out on the hype around Freshers, the second and third years join in with the peculiar ritual. Every night becomes like a rowdy, post-apocalyptic S Club 7 concert.

Contrast these disturbing images with that of the postgraduate lifestyle.

Experienced University-goers, their tastes are more refined, enjoying a civilised life of healthy relaxation.

Sure, they’ve been through the undergraduate stage, but now these people know what they’re doing. You’re not going to find them making an utter embarrassment of themselves. They’re well-organised and demonstrably passionate about their discipline.

They’re also better at appreciating the beauty of Oxford – and I’m not talking about the undergraduate-dominated ancient colleges. Sure, they’re OK, but I’m referring to the architectural splendour of St Antony’s Hilda Besse Building, Wolfson’s Berlin Quad and the beautifully named Kellogg College.

Would you rather gaze at Merton and imagine a tedious, never-ending medieval religious ritual, or visualise a tense Communist Party gathering in Stalin’s Minsk? Come on, we all know the answer.

not as good as graduate colleges

Postgraduates are also far more chilled. They’ll go to the extra-curricular activities they’re actually interested in rather than force themselves to attend the Finance Society because they think it looks good on their CV.

Undergrads, on the other hand, are constantly thinking about graduate schemes – and I mean constantly. It dominates conversations, even household activities. Some will go so far as to actually stage mock interviews in their student flats “to help each other out”. In reality, they use them as an excuse to put down the flatmate who they think’s a bit of a knob. “Yeah, sorry mate, your answer to that question was absolutely fucking woeful”.

They’ll apply to about thirty different schemes, staying up until 3am typing the phrase ‘I am a passionate member of the Accountancy Society’ over and over again into soulless white boxes until their fingers bleed.

They’ll mutter unnecessarily obscene abuse about the guy next door who’s got a job because his dad’s the company Director.

go back to school

Every moment of every day is spent thinking about “the scheme”. There is no escape. The sad truth is this strange cult claims the minds of all undergraduates. Some of the weaker postgraduates fall into it, but most are more resilient.

I’m sorry undergrads, but  you’ve got a long way to go before you’re on our level. Some of you chosen ones may join our enlightened group, but the majority of you will miss out and remain within the undergraduate matrix, genuinely believing ‘you smashed Uni’.

Never mind.

Michael Hindmarsh is a proud postgraduate student