The Tabometer: Week One
Is Ryan Gosling still hot? Is rowing still lame?
The TabThe Tab tracks the up and down movements of Oxford’s trends with our fresh, highly scientific measuring scale.
WHAT’S HOT
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Umbrellas
Have you seen the forecast this week? It’s shit. Buy an umbrella, you look French, therefore sophisticated. But they’re mainly for staying dry.
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The Weston Library
It’s not very often we get a new library, so when we do, it’s a big fucking deal – however sad that may be. Nevertheless, it’s pretty beaut inside, and for the time being, a hot place to work. FRESH.
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The Union
Well after the complete fuck up that was last term (lets not dwell on the past eh?) the Oxford Union has actually produced a pretty decent term card, with some impressive speakers. A polite clap is in order I feel.
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Freshers’ t-shirt designs
Really quite strong this year – especially Magdalen, Worcester, Mansfield and Somerville. There was even some tie-dye in there. Now never wear it again.
WHAT’S NOT
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Warehouse
They’ve changed the name, that’s it. It’s exactly the same as Junction, but instead of Spice Girls they play house music – just not quite up to the actual Warehouse Project standard.
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Usage of the words “legend” and “classic”
For anyone who has seen the utterly wank new Riot Club film, you’ll understand. For those who haven’t, the usage of these words in the film causes enough cringing and wincing to incite physical pain, in a totally tragic, non-ironic manner. Avoid.
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Freshers Flu
Forget Ebola, the real pandemic is the dreaded Freshers Flu, and its peak season – think you’re immune as a second or third year? Think again. Universally hated by all.
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R.I.P £1 Oxford Tube vouchers
We all knew the best thing about the Freshers’ Fair were the £1 Oxford Tube vouchers – ludicrously good value. Alas, they are now £5. Some things can’t last forever – Cameron’s bloody Britain.
Omg guys, Jacob Elordi is going to Oxford University in October to study English
Lydia Spencer-ElliottHe fell in love with the campus while filming Saltburn
Oxford Uni lecturer stalked by man who flew 4,000 miles to her with a can of pepper spray
Emily SmithHe sent his bags to her office and wanted her to ‘be his Valentine’
Oxford Uni chaplain who compared sex offenders to ‘puppies needing training’ given welfare role
He asked one student assault victim if they were ‘aware of the effect they had on men’, but has now secured a post at another college
These are the subjects you need to study at Oxbridge to more than double your grad salary
In one subject, studying it at Oxbridge over any other uni will get you £47k more per year
Oxford University College offers students a Halal menu option but it includes… red wine
One student said she was ‘sadly not surprised’ at the mistake
Two of Emma Watson’s lecturers at The University of Oxford have successfully sued the uni
Emma Watson studies on Oxford’s creative writing course
So, people are rinsing Oxford students for dancing at a ball and it’s low-key really mean
A Ceilidh is a huge part of Scottish culture
Oxford University Vice-Chancellor with £232k salary says grads should be donating to their uni
Was my £9k a year not enough!
Two of Emma Watson’s lecturers at Oxford are suing the university for unfair dismissal
The lecturers also compared their situation to the Post Office scandal
Oxford uni called ‘patronising’ for job advice despite banning its students from working
Oxford’s policy on part-time jobs reads: ‘Term-time employment is not permitted except under exceptional circumstances’
Students from two Oxford colleges are throwing Saltburn themed parties this term
One of them is Felix and Oliver’s actual college from the film
Students at University of Oxford housed in four-star hotels due to a lack of accommodation
One of the hotels costs up to £150 a night and has an indoor pool and spa
A professor at the University of Oxford has told students to use ChatGPT for essays
The economics students were told AI ‘should help you produce a much better essay’
Oxford students forced to sleep in queues for over 24 hours to sign uni accommodation
‘It was absolutely freezing, I’m wearing three jumpers right now’
All the Oxford on campus filming locations where Emerald Fennell shot Saltburn
Harrison BrocklehurstStudents literally loaned their actual dorm rooms to the production team
BBC denies allegations of antisemitism on University Challenge due to octopus mascot and Palestinian flag colours
‘We utterly condemn the abuse that has been posted and shared’
Oxford student found escort waiting in their room booked by the university
The student found a ‘woman sitting on [their] bed in a lingerie robe’ in their hotel room
So, some Oxford Colleges actually have a chalet students can visit and it’s big Tory vibes
Rah Bartholomew are you coming to the College chalet this year?
Katie Hopkins is speaking at the Oxford Union this term and shock, no one wants her
She’s going to be debating… veganism?
Oxford College asks students to sleep on mattresses in shared rooms due to RAAC in halls
Not really the Oxford dark-academia dream you signed up for is it?
Yikes! A snippet of Taylor Swift’s new album has allegedly leaked and people are SLATING it
‘We declared Charlie Puth should be a bigger artist’ is an actual lyric
Inside the life of Walton Goggins, the Fallout ghoul everyone is weirdly crushing on
Lily ColdstreamYes, it’s possible to thirst after a man who looks like a carved pumpkin
What has Andrea been up to since leaving MAFS Australia 2024 with her head held high?
Ellie RingShe’s living her best life
Love Island’s Zach goes on huge rant about girls ‘wearing nothing’ and ‘selling themselves’
‘People really out here selling themselves for some views/likes’
So, here’s the real reason why Martha calls Donny Baby Reindeer
Phoebe KowhaiThe show is named after the pet name Martha actually called him in real life
Lauren from MAFS Australia has been spotted on a night out getting close to her ex again
There’s picture evidence!!!
Producers forced Tim to bring up cheating scandal again on homestays for more MAFS drama
And edited their homestays to ‘look worse than it actually was’
‘Shameful’: Sydney Sweeney savagely claps back at claims she ‘is not pretty and can’t act’
‘How sad that a woman in the position to share her expertise and experience chooses instead to attack another woman’
OMG! The viral four lads in jeans are back and the jeans got… baggy
It’s been five years since the first picture was posted!
Lizz claims she’s no longer friends with Jack after Tori ‘forbid’ them seeing each other
And apparently even tried to get Lizz fired?!
Definitively ranking all the episodes of Fallout series one from worst to best
Kind of like picking your favourite child
What does the wind emoji Jack sent about his sex life with Tori on MAFS Australia 2024 mean?
I’ve never felt so out of touch
Inside Baby Reindeer star Richard Gadd’s life: The real man who the show is also based on
He’s a writer on Sex Education
One year on, this is what the cast of Race Across the World series three is up to now
The cast all still hang out and refer to each other as best friends
Snowboarding instructor to a pilot: The day jobs of the Race Across the World season four cast
Emma GilesHere’s what they do when they aren’t trekking across Eastern Asia
OMG! Fallout has a real number you can call or text to get a secret easter egg
If you actually ring it, prepare to be terrified
Nose jobs to tattoos: Inside Gypsy Rose Blanchard’s hot girl summer life after break up
She just filed a restraining order against her husband
Top female Hollywood producer declares that Sydney Sweeney ‘is not pretty and can’t act’
She described her rom-com film, Anyone But You, as ‘unwatchable’