The best places in Oxford to watch the World Cup

It’s that special time that every football fan dreams of; the big daddy, the main event – the World Cup. For the spoilt rich bastards who are going to Brazil to watch first-hand, you can stop reading now – kindly fuck off.

To everyone else, have no fear; Oxford may be 5000 miles away across the Atlantic, but it has a vast array of lively and exciting venues for you to watch the World Cup with friends and fellow fans. When we say ‘vast’, we actually mean 2, but the Tab has improvised the rest. Just keep your shitty footballing analysis to yourself, and leave your bloody vuvuzela at home.

Wahoo

Or to use its little known full title: ‘Wahoo Bar & Grill’. Why not go for below-par dinner to catch the 17.00 or 20.00 kickoffs, then hang around for a shitty night of clubbing a few hours later? It’s perfect either way; celebrate victory or drown your sorrows, Wahoo accommodates for all emotional extremities (probably the latter given England’s inevitable demise in Brazil). Saying that, they do have quite a few big screens, drinks are relatively cheap and it’ll probably be a pretty buzzing atmosphere. You’ll think you’re in downtown Brasilia.

If you’re really lucky they might even play Mr Worldwide’s new World Cup banger.

Eurobar

Bloody hell, upon doing the research for this article, in turns out this place is actually a hotel, with a “unique mix of traditional English and modern European style”. Well, as far as we’re considered, it’s the last spot for a quick splash and a cheeky jagerbomb before getting pon de club. They’ve also got several big screens and decent seating space; a personal favourite this year was #prinking to transfer deadline day before hitting MNB hard. In summary, Eurobar is really quite grimy but brilliantly cheap, a solid spot for when Brazil comes around.

The 5* standard

College Bar

Most colleges have a decent TV and seating setup in their bar; you can’t argue with the £2 pints either. Unfortunately you’ll have to put up with all those annoying ‘experts’ of the game who occasionally make the college 3rd XI chatting more shit than the ITV punditry team. Gifting the rest of the bar with their top-class analysis, spurting thoroughly enlightening, cutting-edge comments such as “Carroll offers us a different option upfront” and “we need more men running in behind”, these Andy Townsend-wannabes ruin the college bar experience for the regular punters. As if the fucking cacophony of vuvuzelas wasn’t enough already.

The Library

Be a complete prick by getting a live stream of the footie up in a rammed library; full screen that shit in full view of as many hard-working students as possible, and watch their morale crumble before your very eyes. You’re not actually doing anything wrong as long as it’s on mute. The temptation for a cheeky peek will be simply too great for those poor, hard-working finalists, and their beloved 2.1 will slip through their fingers quicker than you can say ‘England out on penalties’.

Goal celebrations and chants should be kept to a minimum.

Just outside the Library

Perhaps even crueller than watching a stream in the library itself, playing the commentary to a game at full blast just outside will cause an abundance of misery within. Focus will be lost, concentration will become impossible, and revision will be ruined. If you choose to do this however, you should also probably consider reassessing your life, and maybe cut down further acts of malevolent wickedness.

A Punt

Heat of the moment too much? Breaking a sweat from all that simmering South American football? Take a cool dip in the Cherwell during the half time break. Universal Eduroam coverage ensures a reliable stream whilst you’re on the river. The Tab takes no responsibility for laptop breakages or any other kind of water damage to electricals.

Almost as precarious as Jones and Jagielka at the back.

The Bath

Go watch the World Cup in the bath, then top up the water with your own tears of sadness when England predictably perish prematurely. The bath is a space prepped for weeping; no damp mess on the sofa or your desk, just fresh salty drops to wash and bathe in. There’s actually a minuscule chance you might actually end up shedding tears of joy, in which case the bath will still come in useful; but we’re 99.9% sure they’ll be tears of dejection and sorrow.

Yellow card for diving in.