Tasha Dhanraj Week 6: Real Christians go naked

It’s interesting that despite how God probably doesn’t give a shit what we wear or what we look like, Christians around Oxford seem convinced that clothing choice is a shortcut to eternity.

When I was younger, I used to wonder why Christians care about what they wear. I’m a bit older and wiser now, so I’ve realised that if God cared about what people looked like then there wouldn’t be ugly people in the world. Or rather, he does care about how we look, but like a deluded mother at a beauty pageant he thinks we’re all beautiful.

We are all made in his image after all. If he thought we were ugly then he would have some self esteem issues to work through.

My theory is that in Oxford the further the distance from which you can spot a Christian, the more likely it is that that Christian goes to St Ebbe’s.

There are different types of Oxford Christians, of course.

QVC Cuties

I remember once watching the God Channel as a child and a famous American preacher was justifying her purchases of expensive designer clothes by saying “God wants me to look my best!” It made me re-examine everything I thought I knew about the Bible.

Most likely to be found admitting they know more about Dolce and Gabbana than Deuteronomy.

The ‘Love Like This’ Luvies

On the opposite side of the scale, there’s the Love Like This jumper wearing types. I must say, it took me quite some time to realise that Love Like This was not the little-known B-Side to Eminem’s Ass Like That.

The Love Like This OICCU mission week ended months ago, but like hipsters who never remove their Glastonbury 2008 wristband, these guys want to keep the message strong all year round.

Shawty got that hipster Christian look

They want Jesus and everyone else to know that they’re not ashamed to be believers. They’re like Christ’s own Beliebers.

Quite frankly, I’m not that impressed. When I was 12 I went on a Christian camp and had to walk around Nottingham city centre wearing a bright red T-Shirt saying “Meet Jesus! Ask me how!” They’re amateurs.

The Stealth Christian

My personal favourite. They’re the Christian that does absolutely nothing to suggest that they’re a Christian. Their religious identity is cleverly masked by their hatred of poor people, absence of any Church attendance or religious engagement, and their general day to day prickery.

They make friends with people and infiltrate secular groups and wait. Then, someone cracks a joke about how Jesus was hung and they whip out the hidden cross necklace they’ve been wearing and demand an apology. They want their faith to be respected, even if they don’t respect it themselves.

When St James said “Faith without works is dead”, this guy interpreted ‘works’ to mean wearing jewelry. Well done, mate.

Garden of Eden swag

Personally, I’ve always believed that if people really wanted to show how faithful they were to God then they would demonstrate by trying to return to how things were before the fall.

The Bible preaches that whoever believes in God will not be put to shame. God doesn’t care about what you wear.

Real Christians go naked.

We’re recruiting for new columnists for Michaelmas term, click here to find out more, or drop us a message at [email protected]