Ask Tabatha – Oxford’s very own Agony Aunt

Dear Tabatha, I’m in love with my tutor but don’t know how to tell her. What should I do? – Tony, a 1^st year English student @ Catz

Well Tony, this is a difficult one. As everyone knows, tutors aren’t like real people, and while they present a façade of normality are generally grown up children with book fetishes and a belief that in studying something to the point of exhaustion they can recreate an époque they wished they were born in. However overcoming this is not an insurmountable task, and through perseverance the social creature inside can be drawn out.

Try attending book discussions and seminars, tutors appear to love the circle jerk atmosphere of group congratulation, and with a few well-timed comments on the nuances achieved in their Kautskian analysis you’ll have the lot of them weak at the knees.

If you have a social life (understandable, although unlikely), the tutorial seems to be your best bet. Whenever your partner makes a comment that the tutor disagrees with, aggressively attack their point. There’s nothing he or she will love more than a brutal beat down of an unsupported assertion. However this needs to be gauged, as you may have a tutor who likes a bit of argument, and if they appear to be relishing in the absurd notion that an undergrad could possible know anything more than them about anything, pitch in with a few of your own absurd assumptions – the less factual grounding the better.

Dear Tabatha, when is it acceptable to wear Red Trousers? – Thibault, a 2^nd year Bullerologist @ Merton

Ah Thibault, the age-old question of whether it is acceptable to enter the red trouser brigade. Most (realistically very few) Oxonians have toyed with this question at a time in their three years, and most of the current cabinet have lost sleep over this contentious issue. However, as any reasonable human being will confirm, coloured trouser that aren’t black or blue on a man makes him look like a try hard Dad, or a young geography teacher trying to distance himself from the students – Thibault, it’s going to have to be a resounding never.

The wearing of red trousers makes you look like a colossal chump, and, as with signet rings, anything by Hackett, and the name dropping of minor royals, one item can ruin many people’s opinion of you immediately. If you wish to resign yourself to a small circle of hunting enthusiasts who drive old Landies and still have house staff, go ahead, but if you want to be a part of civic society, leave the chinos at home, or risk becoming part of an enclave inhabited by these chumps. Spending your life justifying your trouser choice to the proletariat simply isn’t worth it, and limits your travels – by all accounts rouge pantaloons don’t go down well in Dalston.

Dear Tabatha, I love Cuntry Living, but I’m a girl who takes issue with a number of the posts on there. I think they’ve taken modern feminism to the point of rabid ranting, and I favour a more reasoned approach to the gender struggle. How do I voice this without having my head bitten off or being accused of spying for the patriarchy? – Anon 

I feel your pain. I too enjoy most posts on Cuntry Living, but have noticed a worrying trend of unnecessary penis hatred – posts that seem to be present simply because they show men doing bad things, without a real relevance to feminism or the struggles of women.

While I agree with the message of the group, and wouldn’t want to see it go, I think your only option is to set up a satirical twitter page to voice your concerns. Try: @CuntyLiving / @CuntryLivid / @CuntryUsingswearwordsdoesntmakeyouafreedomfighterLiving or the like, and use the account to subtly subvert the posts you don’t agree with. Take DjsComplaining as a guide, and if lucky, you could be the next EssayCrisis.

If you aren’t a twitter user, make a fake Facebook account and go all Keyboard Warrior on anything you feel is unsupported, unfair or unnecessary. You’d be surprised the sense of power anonymity gives you (believe me, I know), and as long as you avoid any word that could be misconstrued to have anything at all to do with ‘lad culture’, you may even start some proper debate. I implore you to do this, as there’s nothing that excites me more than the idea of the sycophantic admiring hordes of that page getting a little shock. Anon, I wish you safe passage – you are not alone.

The Tab – now with less journalism

If you have a question for Tabatha, or just want to watch the world burn, comment below and your question might be picked in our next round of life advice.

Answers will come mid 6th week.