The definitive list of people you see in the library

Following Bristol’s piece on the definitive list of people you meet at pre drinks, we decided an Oxford alternative was necessary. Given the fact most evenings involve a swift transition from library to club to a kebab induced coma, and we’re not very good at meeting new people (but really good at staring and judging), here is the definitive list of people you see in the library. Interaction not required.

Tight Tee Tim

Almost certainly a sportsman, good old Tim loves buying T-shirts a few sizes too small so everyone knows he throws tin around on a regular basis. Often seen protein shaker in hand, wearing Canterbury trackies and some form of OUARFQKTC stash, or, on his days off, a Hollister T-shirt that was tight when he was fourteen (see below).

Facebook Frank

Ever had the feeling the person opposite you is currently on your Facebook, comparing pasty library you to the bronzed god/dess you were last summer? Yeah that’s Frank. This guy sits in the library for days on end silently observing the social lives of others. Frank knows everything going on in Oxford, despite probably not knowing anyone in person.

Chirpsing Charlie

You pop off to the loo and return with a note on your laptop containing a phone number and seductively italicised ‘call me’. Charlie is a go-getter, likely famed by friends for pulling technique and ‘success’ rates. Sadly for Charlie, while a wink in Wahoo often gets the bacon, the library isn’t generally the place to go to get laid.

Knows everyone Naomi

No one knows how she gets any work done, given the fact she goes for 16 coffees, four lunches and two heart to heart cigarette breaks a day. Every time someone walks into the library, she gets a hug and has a 2 minute whispered conversation (which by 4pm consists of the same story for the 19^th time) before an agreement to ‘meet for lunch tomorrow!’ Do some work Naomi, you’re making us feel unpopular.

Academic Adam

Who’s that middle aged beardy bloke and what’s he doing in our library? Oh its just Adam, working on his 4^th Doctorate and trying to live the Van Wilder lifestyle through primary sources and creepy invitations to take freshers for drinks. Probably well meaning, Adam’s moustache/receding hairline combo give off more of a public masturbator vibe than anything else.

Weak bladdered Wendy

World record for most urinations in a library in a day? Wendy holds it. She always carries a water bottle, is constantly drinking, and then wonders why she has to make the long walk down the stairs in the Rad Cam 15 times before lunch.

Sexy Sarah / Steve

Everyone in the library looks at them at least twice an hour, and they know it. The best looking member of their sex present, they reside on their worn out wooden thrones toying with their Tolstoy and basking in the glory of wandering eyes. Precisely timed bathroom breaks, and a team of devoted fans ensure even when wandering between the stacks they retain an air of superiority.

Wheezing Will

“HOW DOES HE BREATHE SO LOUDLY AND NOT ANNOY HIMSELF?” Everyone within a 15-metre radius of this man come hurricane wonders. Will is oblivious to his deep breathing, and given how awkwardly British everyone around him is, he’ll never know. Will is often interchangeable with:

Coughing Carrie / Sneezing Sam

This duo fail to realise that having a nasty, throaty cough or irritating cold is generally a good reason not to go to the library. Spreading germs faster than we can spread slander, this pair is the main reason for the current mumps outbreak crippling oxford finalists.

Loved up Lena / Lucas

A library is not the place to sit side-by-side, hold hands, and whisper sweet nothings into your beloved’s ear. This couple haven’t realised this yet, and will probably only come to terms with how annoying they are after a brutal breakup and the ensuing recognition of a similarly odious pairing sitting opposite during a lonely future library session. Your happiness upsets us, please stop.

Naughty Nigel

Ever had that awful moment when you open your laptop in the library and porn is playing? No? Well that’s every day for Nigel, and he bloody loves it. Having carefully selected a desk with no one behind him, Nigel cracks on Pornhub and nurses a semi until its time to go home. Also seen en route to the loos in the lower link, where he can crack one out to YouJizz Mobile without fear of disturbance.

Rolling Rob

Need a cigarette? Rob needs one more. Just as he’s finished his last, it’s back to the desk to roll another. Thank God e-cigs are banned in libraries or Rob would have overdosed on nicotine by now, if that’s even possible.

Peering Persephone

Working or not, she’s always on the look out. Glaring at you as you walk past, watching you take notes and silently judging as you procrastinate for an hour on Facebook, Persephone is the silent arbiter of the library moral high horse. 

Eye contact Ellie

A casual glance is generally enough for most people as someone walks past, and even Persephone awkwardly looks away when confronted by a return glare. Ellie is not troubled by the eye contact however, and will hold your gaze long past the point of bedroom eyes and into the realms of ‘I’ll lock you in my basement and make you play with my leather toys’.

Noisy Norman

Norman never learnt the concept of an ‘inside voice’, preferring a Full Metal Jacket approach to subtlety. Regardless of whether what he’s saying is inconsequential or massively important, you’re still going to hear it.

Silent Simone

The opposite of Norman, Simone remains silent from 9 to 5, head bowed in prayer-like concentration. If her friends come to talk, she simply nods and returns to work. Her annoyingly studious attitude probably won’t make her many friends, but who cares when you’re smashing out a first.

Sweaty Steve

Steve is an extra from one of those ‘hilarious’ Lynx adverts, minus the product placement and eventual solution of a socially crippling sweating problem. His forehead, armpits and back are constant sources of perspiration, leaving the seat he was sitting on nicely damp for the next incumbent. Particuarly bad in summer, and if mixed with Tight Tee Tim.

Edgy Eve

How do you get any work done with that hemp seed sack itching your skin? Can you see through those outrageously tinted glasses? Does it hurt being that Avant-garde? Those around Eve silently ask these and other questions from the point she arrives until the time she leaves to go run Oxford SocSoc, the Isis bowling team, or something equally alternative.

Bored Beth

Beth will do anything not to work, and has attained olympic level skill at numerous pen tricks and origami folds, whilst also being her friends’ go to source for funny cat videos. Beth is nearly doing it right, as she’s made it to the library, but has fallen at the final hurdle of actually doing any work.

Aggressive Andrew

‘I need that book for my thesis’ rings across the silent room. The whole library turns in anticipation of conflict, waiting to see whether Andrew will really fight someone who’s just taken out the last copy of the material he wants. Who knows with Andrew, but what is certain is that if you get in his way, sit in his seat, or take what he needs, you’d better be ready to run.

Phoebe Finalist

A woman on the edge of a nervous breakdown, Phoebe has slaved away in the same spot for weeks and is nearing breaking point. Seen most often during Trinity, Phoebe is a fragile creature, and can easily turn into Andrew if not treated with due respect. Imagine her like a nuclear reactor; highly unstable, operating at a high temperature and not safe near children or small animals.

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