The Art of Seduction in Oxford

Recent statistics suggest that Oxford is hopeless at wooing those of the opposite sex compared to our academically challenged neighbours down the road.

Disclaimer : these techniques may not actually work

Location location location

Someone great once said ‘We found love in a hopeless place’ so rest assured, it can happen at Oxford. Lo(ca)tion is everything.

Laundry Room

The epicentre of aimless chit chat and nothingness may seem like a dead end but is in fact the perfect striking zone for the budding heartthrob.

The flash of one another’s underwear, the shared glance at the condoms in the vending machine, the incessant whirring of all that washing – all come together to create a tangible sexual aura. Who said tumble driers weren’t sexy?

Tutorial

That awkward few minutes with your tute partner before it all kicks off . Is that sexual tension in the air? Probably not, but a good seductress/seducer does not waste the opportunity.

Suggest continuing your discussion of post structuralism over a latte (preferably two) and academic your way straight into the bedroom. The Tab suggests changing tute partner after this.

Crew Date / Bridge

Failing any actual ability to woo someone on sober terms, overcome all your crippling social inadequacies with the acceptable method of getting blotto, alcohol. This is tried and tested.

Funny anecdotes that your mates will tell (‘sconces’) are a must for your legendary status to rise above the mediocrity that surrounds you, of that time you ate your own shit or had a foursome.

People will respond to your debauchery. Ensure you spill at least a bit of drink on yourself to show that you go hard and don’t care what other people think of you. This is key.

The Library

The conscientious working atmosphere and concomitant sexual frustration that emanates from the Library is ripe for the picking. A good knowledge of Weblearn is required.

Whilst cycling

One for the pro’s. We’ve all been there, you see some stunner cycling by with their jeans tucked into their socks, but curse as you realise you can’t talk to them before they are long gone.

This is now a problem of the yesteryear if you also have a bike; catch up and cycle two abreast. At first, they might be concerned about the legality (they shouldn’t be) or (perhaps rightfully) scared, but ease their fear by making it clear that this is not a broadside attack but a chance to have some truly seductive chat. If this does not work, simply apply the brakes and drop back. This is attraction with a direct getaway plan in case of emergency.

Making the move

Cultivate your image

Your look is important, whether it’s the latest in Jack Wills or the most garish of wavey garms. A quick glance at WikiHow had such helpful tips as ‘Shower Every Day’. I was impressed but determined to develop a more detailed approach.

If you play sport, wear stash, and lots of it. This does the job perfectly, as people will understand that you play sport.

For extra points, mention sports a lot in conversation and specific examples of when you played that sport. One the other side of the coin, for those who consider themself ‘edgy’, push this to its logical extreme – adopt a spoon necklace and permanent gurn.

To truly complete the look, wear a towel and a plastic t shirt to see how far you can stretch both yourself and the definition of irony.

Carve out your niche

You’re probably not that interesting, but don’t panic. Take up a weird hobby, as this will give you a natural talking point. Noone cares about all that time you spend reading the Tab and playing Floppy Bird, so be inventive. Nowadays people aren’t really sure what is actually interesting and what is just shit so use this to your advantage:

• Taxidermy – Weird but maybe ‘cool’ in some twisted hipster way. Exploit this and decorate your room with dead stuff.

• Real tennis – ‘Sport of kings’ and you will never meet someone else who can quiz on you on it.

• Death society – Show people your deeper side.

• Chronic masturbation – It is really attractive when people know you’re sexually active. As Casanova once said, ‘Worry not, my angel, for the yolk of the twelfth egg is often red’.

• Extreme Dog Grooming – This is actually a thing.

Picking your partner

This is where The Tab leaves it up to you, but remember, variety is the spice of life. If you have sex with someone from every college you obtain a personalised bookplate from the Proctors and also probably receive chlamydia, badge of champions.

Are you a finalist and worried about having sex with a fresher because the age gap is a bit much? Don’t worry, that suave bloke from Four Weddings and Piers Gav does it all the time. Apparently.

Vox Populi

We sought more wisdom from you, the people.

One self-proclaimed lothario from Pembroke College (who wished to remain anonymous) commented, ‘The rarity of vaguely good looking half social blokes in ox means that you’re already on to a winner, whereas it’s easier for girls to fulfil minimum average quota.’

He continued, ‘Realistically, as long as you’re not fat or from LMH, most blokes would engage in a schtup at 2AM…and LMH is cool if you’ve still got cab money post chips.’

One seductress from Trinity merely responded that her technique was just to ‘get the beers in’ and then ‘it just happens’. Each to their own.

However you play it, stay safe, and good luck.