How to have the perfect Trinity term

As the great English summer approaches, every student should be enthralled in anticipatory excitement this Trinity, ready to spend their final term of the Oxford year in glorious sunshine*. But whilst last year you were probably cooped up in the library, or finding yourself in Peru, the Tab is here this year to make sure you make the most of your summer in Oxford.

*subject to availability

Leave the library, get outside

Loan some books out of the library, fetch your Ray-Bans, find a quaint bower in your college garden or parks of choice, and relax in the shady cool of a blossoming cherry tree.

Let bird-song be your muse as you sip on a refreshing glass of Pimms, transforming your dull lecture hand-outs into a wistful breeze of light-minded reading. Yes, it’s utterly impractical, full of distractions, you’ll probably get zero work done and look like a total loafer-wearing, polo-playing prick – but it’s the effort that counts. Keats and co would be proud.

Taking your top off in the library would be frowned upon

Travel by punt

Most Oxford students cycle to get where they need to be; whilst this is swift, in the heat of the English summer you’ll turn into a sweaty mess, or end up splattered on the underside of a open-top tour bus.

Therefore instead, turn your minds to our Venetian counterparts, and utilize Oxford’s famous waterways by punting around town. Let the trolley-filled Cherwell be your azure Adriatic, as you helplessly pinball between its banks, arriving at your 9am just in time for lunch. Just think how utterly shit all this would be if the sun wasn’t shining.

Here we can observe a slight confusion between boat and water

Play croquet

Embody the pinnacle of Englishness with this French-originating sporting pastime, because nothing says bellend summer like tapping pretty coloured balls with a giant hammer across an exquisitely cut garden lawn. Zero sense of hand-eye coordination? Don’t know any of the rules? Who cares! Just set it all up in the front quad where everyone can see you, and start playing! Don’t worry, they’ll still think you’re a top bloke.

If you’ve ever played before, then you’ll know it’s actually the perfect sport for venting incandescent rage against fellow students, mercilessly screwing over opponents, and decimating long-forged friendships beyond repair. Perfect then, for when you’re feeling a tad hot under the collar in the summer sun.

See how depressed and miserable he looks? Croquet did this

Pull a May Day all-nighter

There’s really nothing quite like a glorious May Morning in Oxford; a half-millennia old tradition of frazzled students stumbling out nightclubs to laugh at pre-pre-pubescent choir boys singing their hearts out at the top of Magdalen tower.

The shame really kicks in when you see the families and small children who’ve got up early to witness this annual spectacle and listen to the wonderful Hymnus Eucharisticus – you’re slumped over one side of Magdalen bridge smelling of Jager and Donner whilst playing poohsticks with your own chun. Mega-bonus lad points for attending any lectures / tutorials that morning.

The cold light of day #nofilter

Go skinny dipping

Why have a shower inside, when you can wash outdoors in the crystal clear fresh water of Oxford’s rivers. Don’t be embarrassed; Mother Nature won’t tell. Nothing quite beats that freedom of letting it all hang out.

Just watch out for Oxford’s unique marine ecology; broken bottles, used needles and dead animals. And for god sake don’t drink it, you’ll probably get cholera, and no one wants that.

“Shall we take our clothes off now or later?”

If you think you know better ways to spend Trinity or if you’re a croquet player and were offended by this article get in touch with our features team-  [email protected]