The best (and worst) places to fight a zombie apocalypse in Oxford

It’s only a matter of time before we all have to become Brad Pitt, and single-handedly adopt every African child in existence save all humanity. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here – what happens if it all goes tits up in third week!?

The Bodleian

Your precious Bod card might stop swarms of tourists impeaching your sacred work space, but the undead sure as hell won’t care about that.

Although there are only a few entrances in and out (a blessing and a curse), the infamous library is simply too vast to control and patrol. You’ll almost certainly have a blindspot or two in your knowledge of the layout, and the disturbing eeriness of the Gladstone link would be unbearable in a long-term siege.

With no source of food (sorry, you can’t pop out for a quick rocket, feta and honey mustard drizzle salad at Taylors) or makeshift weapons (are you going to bash a zombie to death with ‘Wordsworth: The Complete Works’?), the Bodleian, on first glance a strong choice, should be avoided at all costs.

It bears an scary resemblance to that corridor filled with lasers in Resident Evil…

The Rad Cam

Now I’m not exactly sure if James Gibbs had the zombie apocalypse in mind when he designed the University’s very own giant nipple, but either way, it makes a thoroughly solid undead safe-house.

Unlike the Bod with its perilous nooks and crannies, the Rad Cam’s open-plan, circular design is far easier to manage, the upper-level balcony acting as splendid viewing gallery to observe the carnage below. Although there are multiple entrances, doors can be easily barricaded with countless precious books, and if you struggle to climb those treacherous spiral staircases with the world’s smallest steps when hung-over, a zombie won’t fair much better.

Of course, the Rad Cam also provides unprecedented Wi-Fi access to S.O.L.O, another vital survival essential. Whilst sourcing food and water could prove tricky, the Rad Cam is still an adequate defensive headquarters, tastefully packaged in the English Palladian style.

At least you’ll never get bored with all that glorious reading material! “Nah, you’re alright mate.”

Parkend

Now I know it’s tempting, one last cheese-floor fix before you’re brutally ripped limb from limb by your zombified lecturer, but Parkend really isn’t that great when civilization is crumbing all around you (Shuffle Nights don’t have an event on doomsday).

Yes, bottling zombies with VK’s could be amusing, but you must just find an undead Piers Shuffle going in for your jugular instead. And judging from the evidence of the hilarious shark tales chats with those leaving on a Wednesday night, the actually zombified and the totally sloshed might blur into a quite perilous haze. Parkend has enough bodily fluids on its floor as it is, lets not add brains.

Flesh Eating Corpses @ Parkend – taking F.U.B.A.R to a whole new level

Corpus Christi

Ed Milliband’s old stomping ground also happens to be perfect for stomping the undead; with multiple windows out front overlooking Merton street perfect for picking off potential threats, a few well placed chapel benches and priceless paintings should be enough to block up the porter’s lodge entrance.

Some high stonewalls in the gardens to the rear prove a useful barricade in protecting Corpus’ only potential weak spot; unfortunately these same walls will probably stop you breaking into their Trinity Ball later this term.

However, the main benefit to Corpus is you’ll obviously have the whole place to yourself; the college has been deserted for several centuries now, and the concept of Corpus actually having any students at all is in fact, a myth.

None of them actually went to Corpus.

Arzoo’s

Jericho’s crew-dating mecca is another great defensive headquarters against the zombie swarm; whilst inside, you’ll be protected by the scented camouflage naturally oozing out the Arzoo’s kitchen, an acrid cocktail of masala, Foster’s and vomit that just happens to mimic the exact smell of a rotting corpse.

With knives, forks and decorative Indian elephants wrapped in chains, you have all the weapons you could wish for, and who in their right mind would turn down living on a near-infinite supply of peshwari naan for the rest of their lives? You might even get a few good sconces with some classic post-apocalypse antics, ‘what a legend’.

Apocalypse or not, these boys always find time for tinnies.

If you feel you can do better in Oxford zombie defence, or are a zombie and feel your views haven’t been fairly represented, feel free to contact us at [email protected]