How to get home at the end of term

The end of term, the end of fun. Right? Its time to get the hell out of dodge and that means no more P-end, no more sexual tension in the Gladstone Link and no more thrilling, nail-biting Union elections.

Wrong.

Because, unless you’re one of those odd people who actually lives in Oxford, you have the unadulterated fun of planning your journey home. Will you slum it with the shit-munchers on the mega-bus back to Slough or will you fly first class home to your Malaysian palace? Are you the type of weirdo who gets a semi over trains’ crankshafts and pistons or are you that legend who enjoys the sweet thrum of the Volvo blasting down the M40 with the windows rolled and the hunnies staring?

Plane

Great option if you’re Malaysian royalty, but planes are out of the question as a method of transport for most of us plebs.

Coach

Personally I hate coaches, where you are forced to get up close and personal with just about the weirdest people in England be they nuns eating raw lettuce, well-endowed fat men in cycle shorts or worst of all, people who want to talk to you when clearly ‘Dutch Urban Stability in an Era of Revolution’ is absorbing your attention.

So imagine your mood when you alight at kings cross after a four-hour face-full of ‘Nigel’s’ package or at Swindon after a horde of nuns have eaten their way through several allotments.

Coaches then, if you don’t like people, and who does, are places to avoid.

tab Nigel

Train

Trains are a different affair, anybody who has been to Oxford Station will have enjoyed the fizzing ambience of the waiting rooms which I have on good authority turn into venues for anything from local dog shows to swingers parties when not in use.

P-Diddy in all its glory

Also, as an historian it’s the heritage of rail that really pulls me in. A classic case in point is Didcot Parkway Station (I personally think Diddy-P sounds better), which fascinatingly was opened simply as Didcot on 12 June 1844, but was renamed, I am led to believe with not an insignificant amount of international protest, Didcot Parkway on 29 July 1985 to reflect its role as a park and ride railhead – so really interesting stuff. Lengthy journeys whizz past while you Wikipedia the rich and scandalous history of the British Railway system.

Car

Cramming eight weeks worth of dirty clothes and an optimistically large amount of holiday reading into the car is never glamorous. However, from that moment on you can revel in the luxury of knowing that you no longer have any responsibility to feed, dress or clean yourself. The effort required to keep yourself alive is no longer in your hands the moment that car boot closes.

Therefore, on the grounds that cars force your parents to resume their parental obligations earlier than any other method of transport is why any sensible student takes the car home.