What Tinder taught me

Apparently people are actually using Tinder for genuine purposes. Beyond sending crude jokes and being too scared to talk to people, I had never tried it properly, so I got involved and this is what I learnt.

1. Don’t judge by the first photo

Ever heard the phrase ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’? Well thats basically the whole point of Tinder, so throw that one out the window, but seriously one should exercise some caution in ‘liking’ too hastily. While the first photo may look like Candice Swanpoel, the others are often more John Candy. A word of advice, look before you swipe.

Candy, 18, likes playing sports and keeping fit. Yeah fucking right Candy.

2. Haikus go down really really well

A friend suggested I attempted to woo those of the opposite sex with Haikus instead of my generally dull openers, and surprisingly it worked really well. If you’re competent at arranging seventeen syllables into three lines, have a crack at it. In fact, try it even if you aren’t – the results will undoubtedly be more amusing.

We are now married

This said, when the same process was repeated outside of Oxford, it achieved mixed responses – so maybe keep it within the 10km range for better results.

I don’t think she really got it…

3. You can actually meet someone from Tinder, and they might not kill you

As ridiculous as it sounds, I did actually have a drink with a girl I met on Tinder, and she was real. She also didn’t force me to have sex with a teddy bear while she sang nursery rhymes to herself.

So, any of you out there who are scared about meeting someone, my single example obviously proves without a shadow of a doubt that everyone on there is safe, just maybe make sure if you meet it’s in a crowded public area, preferably in daylight.

“I’m a nice, normal guy. Honest!”

4. Most people are really boring

Unfortunately after a couple of matches you realise that a large portion of the world are actually really dull and incredibly bad at flirting (myself most certainly included). When you’ve exhausted the discussion of mutual friends, how much work you do and whether you had a sick night at Park End, there’s often little else to say. Speaking from experience, don’t try and force conversation – if it’s not there, let it die.

There just isn’t really much you can respond to that

6. Some people really don’t get it

There are people on Tinder who really don’t seem to understand the process. I matched a clearly married woman (her pictures were all wedding photos – see below), and a 33 year old whose pictures were her two kids. Nothing says ‘lets have casual sex’ like an unavoidable introduction to parenthood – nice work Lea, 33 from Headington.

A wedding dress, seriously?

7. Tinder can work as a great ego booster

I came to realise quite rapidly that there is nothing that restores self confidence like the ‘you have a new match’ notification popping up. It’s incredibly refreshing to receive a notification that isn’t a text from your network or your mum, and its even better when its an indication that someone may at some point have looked at a picture of your face and not been physically repulsed. Thanks Tinder, you’re the best.

A sure-fire way to salvage a bad day

8. But it can also cut you down

As a proponent of the bold approach I did see some success. That said it wasn’t always the way to go, and when you get shut down it hurts, right in the feels.

But I write for the Tab?!

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