The Tab Tries: Sober Clubbing

It’s one of life’s eternal questions: can you have a good night out sober? The promise of cheaper evenings and conversations you can actually remember seems to be quite tempting. 

But is it possible to have a good night without any drink, and if so, where?

Attempt 1 – PTs

Now this was a mistake – the assumption that clubs are unbearable whilst sober was painfully true. I was met with sticky floors, poorly coordinated sweaty limbs, and air that tasted like your mouth the morning after a heavy night; and that was just the bathroom. I’d never considered that a place like PTs could be even more horrible in the cold light of sobriety.

Pushed, shoved and generally manhandled across the dance floor it was all of twenty minutes before I left, willing myself not to order five Jägerbombs. Many people don’t like PTs at the best of times, try it sober. It’s a bloody mess.

Not sure if the guy on the left knows how to drink.

Attempt 2 – Cellar

The artwork in Cellar certainly lends itself to drunken appreciation. However, even sober there is definitely something of an atmosphere that was woefully lacking in PTs. Thankfully I chose to go on a night when a Black Flag tribute band wasn’t playing, and the music was average but enjoyable.

Seeing people dance/skank/have a stroke when you’re sober should be made into a channel 5 TV series. However, after a couple of hours my patience was flagging, and after seeing a middle aged man miss the urinal I decided to leave.

Drunken dancing isn’t really a spectator sport.

Attempt 3 – Bridge

There is a peculiarly dusty quality to the air in Bridge that I have never noticed before. Clearing it briefly with some carcinogens I had an epiphany; smoking areas are bearable whilst sober. Hell, they are even enjoyable. Talking to people outside proved as interesting as it does whilst pissed, the advantage being that I appeared, by comparison, remarkably astute and articulate.

I even saw a fully grown man set fire to his fez. The club wasn’t as packed as I have seen it, so being inside was relatively bearable, and I didn’t even get a funny look for ordering a lemonade.

Coordination. She hasn’t quite mastered it.

So after much research I can conclude: yes, you can go out sober and enjoy it.

However, sometimes it’s about as pleasurable as watching a dog take a crap.

If you you’re thinking of risking your credibility on a similar experiment, then here are some tips: Avoid PTs; make sure you have at least one other sober friend to feel your pain; and chain smoke.