5 unis we’d rather be at than Cambridge

A non-exhaustive listing of the fine institutions we’d rather attend than Cambridge.


Let’s face it: nobody grows up wanting to go to Cambridge. It just doesn’t happen. There’s a reason why it’s called “Oxbridge” and not “Camford”.

Ending up at Cambridge is inevitably the result of a string of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad decisions. In the spirit of that, we sat down and had a think: what places would we rather go to than Cambridge?

We give you our top 5.

Oxford Brookes University

Let’s put a new spin on a classic old chant: we’d rather be a poly than a Tab.

We like to bash on Brookes here, but some real talk for a second: Brookes isn’t a bad university. It’s easily the best of the old ex-polys, and is always in a respectable position on the league tables.

Plus, look at all the good things it’s given us. Clubber Steve. Fuzzy Ducks. Several convenient places to buy class-A drugs. Brookes has it all.

It’s fair to say: we’d take “Brookes College, Oxford” over Trinity College, Cambridge.

Buckinghamshire New University

Located in scenic High Wycombe, BNU is the current holder of the crown of Britain’s worst university, as determined by the Guardian’s University League Table.

The top two “famous alumni” on its Wikipedia page are comedian Noel Fielding and Big Brother 9 contestant Mohamed Mohamed.

Well done, BNU. Are you happy? Are you proud of the things you have wrought?

My only dealings with BNU students in real life was an American football game last year. They absolutely destroyed us – 82-0 (which is roughly as bad as a comparable rugby score).

However, while absolutely running train over us, they were polite, gracious and gentlemanly all the way through. They even did a Harlem Shake video with us, in spite of that being no longer cool at that point.

As nice a bunch of blokes in helmets and body armour as you could find.

Plus, they rallied themselves up pre-game by saying that this was “a chance to beat up on our future bosses”. Based on that, I can definitely say I’d choose them over the Tabs.

Southern University at New Orleans

There are so many dreadful universities (or ‘colleges’, as they more commonly call them) in the USA that it was hard to choose one.

Not pictured: malt liquor, beer bong, intoxicated corpse.

Ultimately, we opted for SUNO. The Louisiana-based ‘college’ has the worst six-year graduation rate in the country – just FOUR PERCENT, according to a 2011 study.

We’d still much rather be there than Cambridge. For one, it’s New Orleans. It’s an incredible city. I’d rather be there than at whatever school disco Cambridge is calling its hot new clubbing spot nowadays.

The SUNO dance team is probably a big, if not the only, draw.

What’s more, imagine the sense of satisfaction at actually graduating from there. One of the few, the proud. Sure as hell beats that Tab 2:2.

University of Liberia

The University of Liberia grabbed international headlines earlier in the year, when every single Liberian student failed the admission test. That’s 25,000 people, none of whom made it.

A graduation ceremony in a sports stadium? Hell. Yes.

According to the BBC, officials said that “the students lacked enthusiasm and did not have a basic grasp of English”.

There’s cause for concern there, but in one way, it’s inspiring: this institution, in one of the most deprived and war-torn countries in the world, still keeps its standards higher than Cambridge does.

I don’t know what they test on Cambridge admissions but I reckon it’s not enough.

A basic grasp of English? Some cursory measure of enthusiasm? This, friends, is a tab-free zone, and we want in.

Kim Il-Sung University

The Kim-Il Sung University is a proud institution. North Korea’s first and greatest university, it has produced such graduates as Kim Jong-Il, Kim Jong-Un, and Kim Pyong-Il.

With a grand total of two computers, Kim Il-Sung University still has a greater library budget than the history faculty.

It was one of several universities in the country to shut down briefly in 2011, with students enlisted in the industrial and agricultural sector for that time.

We’d still go for it. For one, that’s got to build character, right? It’s a learning experience, in its own way.

Freedom and democracy, or an university with water slides? Give me a minute…

Plus, yes, it may be an authoritarian regime reminscent of the worst excesses of the Cold War. We still remain confident that there’s a greater culture of intellectual freedom and liberty there than in the dark lanes and canals of Cambridge.