BEST OXFORD ALUMNI YOU (PROBABLY) HAVEN’T HEARD OF

Will the royal baby be a boy or a girl? Why didn’t Murray kiss his girlfriend when he won Wimbledon? Will it be hot weather or will it be cold weather?

Unfathomably important questions that have dominated summer headlines. But the real question on Fleet Street’s lips these past months has been ‘who is the best ex-Oxonian who’s not really a celebrity?’

To answer, we’ve gone and written about ex-Oxonians that aren’t that famous but should be famous because they’re in some ways more interesting than some people who are famous.

Richard Francis Burton 1821-1890, Trinity College

This saucy adventurer was the first person to translate the Karma Sutra into English and was posthumously accused of bedding the male and female subjects he examined on research expeditions through Africa.

HE COULD SURE KARMA MY SUTRA , AMIRIIITEE LAYDEEZ????

As if he wasn’t busy enough charming the honeys n’ homeboys/grievously abusing a position of responsibility, this silky Casanova became fluent in an impressive 29 languages. Muy bueno!

DO SAY: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

DON’T SAY: Well, if you’re sure it’s meant to be that colour…

Gertrude Bell 1868-1926, Lady Margaret Hall

‘I enjoy waterparks.’

One of the early woman students at Oxford, Bell went on to travel extensively in the Middle East while spying for the British.

When daredevil espionage got boring she founded modern day Iraq. I don’t remember the last time Hugh Grant made a country with his bare hands but if you do holla at me on 0800-LIAR-FORWARDSLASH-SUCKIT.

DO SAY: The name’s Bell. Gertrude Bell.

DON’T SAY: It was between that and Mildred.

C. B. Fry 1872-1956, Wadham College

PHWOAAAR HE REALLY HITS ME FOR SIX!!!!!!

This veritable polymath represented England for both cricket and football, briefly held the world-record for long jump and was once offered the throne of Albania while on a diplomatic mission.

Bizarrely, he regularly boasted of a party trick in which he jumped backwards from the floor to his living room mantelpiece – and they say they didn’t know how to party before Elvis.

DO SAY: I’ve just installed a new mantelpiece.

DON’T SAY: What’s the phrase about the Jack of all trades again?

Thomas More 1478-1535, St Mary’s Hall or Canterbury College:

Mind on my money and my money on my necklace

Sir Thomas was just an all-round great guy, philosophisin’ here, disagreein’ with an axe-wielding king there – kicking up mischief like a real Kanye West/Miley Cyrus of the medieval world.

He loved the Catholic religion so bloody much that he only went and got himself beheaded by the Protestant Henry VIII. I mean, I’ve heard of principles but JEEZ!?!?!?!?!

DO SAY: WE NEED A BIT MORE FROM WHERE THAT CAME FROM – CAN I GET A HELLZ YEAHH??!!?!??

DON’T SAY: Your righteous death has kind of been overshadowed by his wives, mate.