With the Union termcard not out ’til Fresher’s Week, The Tab has been given exclusive access to the line-up for the next 8 weeks.  Here are the big names.

Billy Joel – Performing

Wednesday 2nd Week

Despite selling 150million records, Joel is one of those historic stars who you probably don’t really know anything about.  Globally, however, he is recognised as one of the great songwriters of all time (remember ‘Uptown Girl’?): he’s been inducted into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame (we’re not entirely sure either), married a woman 30 years his junior and battled depression, all of which should be enough to entice even the hardest Taylor Swift fan down.

Sepp Blatter

Friday 2nd Week

Suggesting female football players should ‘dress more provocatively (‘like in volleyball’), comparing Cristiano Ronaldo to ‘a slave’ and stating that during the Qatar World Cup gay people should stop being gay for a month.  These enlightening sentiments all come from the President of FIFA, football’s world governing body. Despite this, the Swiss administrator has been in charge of FIFA since 1998 and is no doubt a major player in World football, presiding over the delivery of successful World Cups and rule changes in the sport.

No stranger to controversy, Blatter is strong willed, stubborn and outspoken so expect a fiery debate at this one.

Hamid Karzai

Friday 3rd Week

Afghanistan’s President will be the first serious politician to speak this term. Originally helped to power by the US in 2001, Karzai won Afghanistan’s first democratic elections in 2004.

He was re-elected in 2009, however this time around elections were marred by allegations of ballot box stuffing, voter intimidation and the withdrawal of opponents.  Karzai has great influence over the Middle East such are his ties with Iran, Pakistan and the US, and famously received $75million for Tehran to redecorate his Presidential Palace.  Go for it, Hamid.

John Cena

Sunday 5th Week

Wrestlers don’t often speak at the Union.  Better, theatre-fake-kids-acting wrestlers rarely speak anywhere.  But John Cena is up there with The Rock as more than just a wrestler.

With a bizarre clothing line, a studio album (You Can’t See Me…) and endorsements coming out of his arse Cena is not someone you want to miss.  He’ll be particularly good if you’re interested in Syria, the benefits of HS2 or how to choose a career that will embarrass your parents.

Malala Yousafzai

TBC – First half of November

Only 15 when shot by the Taliban simply for going to school, Malala has become a figurehead for women’s rights in Afghanistan, Pakistan and beyond.

Surviving this trauma, she has gone on to speak at the UN, win the International Campaigner of the Year award (2013) and has been described by UN secretary general Ban Ki-moon as ‘our hero.’  Still only 16, she continues her own schooling whilst travelling the world campaigning to ensure that every child in the world receives some kind of formal education by 2015.  She’s a big catch for the Union and is a must see.

Buzz Aldrin

Tuesday 7th Week

Coming just behind Neil Armstrong and Dappy, Buzz is undoubtedly the third coolest person on the planet.  The second man on the moon this former US Air Force pilot flew 66 missions in the Korean War before moving on to a career in space.

A Presbyterian, he secretly undertook the first communion service on the big cheese using a home-made kit and would have been first out of the lunar module had Neil not stolen his seat.

 

Jack

Gleeson

Wednesday 7th Week

Plucked from relative obscurity (he played ‘Little Boy’ in Batman Begins) to star as Joffrey Baratheon in Game of Thrones, Jack Gleeson is still only 21. In the show, he is the son of King Robaratheon and Queen Cersei Lannister, though in fact his real father is Jamie Lannister, the Queen’s brother.  Which is BIG SHIT.

If he’s not emotionally unstable because his Dad is his Uncle, he’ll no doubt be able to offer some juicy Game of Thrones gossip, as well explaining what it’s like playing a 12 year old.

Jesse Jackson

Tuesday 8th Week

Along with Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, Jesse Jackson is regarded as one of the key figures in the US civil rights movement.  The Baptist minister, now 71, even claims to have held Martin Luther King as he died, though King’s aides dispute this.

Jackson was an important figure in the The Southern Christian Leadership Conference (SCLC) and set up his own organisation designed to pursue political activism and social justice: The People United to Serve Humanity.  Jackson has twice run to be the democratic presidential candidate and remains an influential figure in US politics, particularly on the left.

 

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