Breaking Balls: Our Guide to breaking into 9th week’s balls

In 2009 Tariq and Michaele Sahali walked into a state dinner held by President Obama in honour of his Indian counterpart Manmohan Singh.  Carrying the same swagger as all the attendees that make up Washington’s elite, the security on the door didn’t even check to see whether they were on the guest list.

We can only guess that they talked to Rahm Emmanuel about slicing his finger off, Michelle Obama about how being an independent woman requires affirmation from Samuel L.  They had a couple of drinks, some nibbles, and headed off before dinner even began.

Why are we all similar to the Salahis?  Well, they weren’t on President Barry’s list.  Instead, they broke into the White House in the most ingenious way: They walked in the front door.

Whilst not quite state occasions (much to their chagrin), it’s likely you’re not going to be able to walk in through the front door of Wadham, Balliol or University College Balls.

The Tab in no way condones trespassing or stealing.  But breaking into balls isn’t really either of these things. It’s like agreeing to Apple’s terms and conditions without reading them or getting on the bus outside of a designated stop.  Naughty, certainly, but I assure you Daniel Craig doesn’t get hung up on clause 4.A.i of his Itunes software agreement.  And he’s always at smart events.

But yes, don’t do it.  Though if you were to in a hypothetical world, here’s our guide to how you should.

Wadham

When?  Friday 21st.

How?

Now we reckon walking through the front door isn’t going to work at Wadham.  They’ve only got one and it’s inconspicuously placed at the very front.  Chances are they’ll have a burly man from Cowley manning it.

To the North of the image below you’ll see 2 buildings – the Master’s Lodgings and Rhodes House.  Both are potential areas of weakness, but involve some pretty major trespass.  Only risk this if you’re really keen.

Your best chance is using the tranquility of Mansfield for cover before covering yourself in foliage and remaining very still.  Eventually you may get in.

Balioll

When? Friday 21st.

How?  

Mark Ronson is playing at the 750th ball, meaning the music is going to be shit and the security tight.  Your best bet is spending the night somewhere in or around the complex so you can sneak out in the evening and dance to all his hits.

If you’re not at Trinity and don’t have access to the Internet Institute, we recommend wearing your ball outfit to Bridge the night before.  This way you can shamelessly charm anyone who does have either of these privileges, before making yourself unwelcome in their room all day Friday.  By 8pm, they’ll kick you out into, well, the ball.

University College Ball

When?  Okay so they’re all this Friday.

How?  

Univ’s theme is Jekyll and Hyde so most people would probably prefer a night in with a film and the tissues (for crying…) rather than actually trying to break in.  If you’re going to risk the sharp end of Oxford’s security then it’s probably worth breaking into one of the others.  But if you insist, we suggest that you carefully consider your plans, because climbing in here is almost impossible.

Finding a friend who can make wristbands is useful, though this involves one of you actually buying a writstband so you can see what is required.  We’re sure the Old Bank Hotel will have a complex system of tunnels beneath it.  You could try sleeping in the library.  You might have gone home at the end of 8th week.  Who knows?

Either way Univ will be tough to get into, they all will be.  In recent years ball organisers have made a point of ensuring tight security.  This is great because your friends have spent a week’s budget on their tickets so it’s hardly fair that you hop the fence and drink the booze they paid for.

Enjoy Wahoo.