Three Lessons Of The Week (Again)
Here to drop some more knowledge, innit.
The Tab1. Advice for single Lads.
I wasn’t sure what to write this week – I was going to try to pass off as journalism some out-of-the-blue claims about what an Oxford Drama Society leader likes in the bedroom, which is neither my business, yours or anyone’s except for hers and the person she invites into said bedroom. But apparently this has already been done.
Then I was going to write about how the Tab comments should be linked to Facebook profiles so people couldn’t hide behind anonymity, but then I realised no-one would actually read the Tab. (Only joking, editors! Love you guys).
So I thought I’d stick to my area of expertise – advice for men on how to get women. I’ve learnt a few things since the teenage days of simply increasing the number of ‘xxx’s on the end of a text to let someone know you like them. Such as:
NOT ALLOWED: giving a girl so many drugs to put up her nose that she feels all emotional and warm, then she looks for someone to emote with and BAM – you lean in. They’re drugs so it’s immoral!
ALLOWED: subtly buying a girl so many drinks at the bar to pour down her mouth that she loses sense of who she is attracted to and then BAM – you lean in. That’s alcohol so it’s fine!
A crucial difference.
2. National newspapers are so nasty!
The one thing more enjoyable than the image of Oxbridge as an elitist, exclusive centre for snobbery perpetuated in the press is the endearing, uber-outrage of Oxbridge students in response who have too much of a raging hard-on to be taken seriously. We are real people with real opinions! It’s so mean to generalize!
3. Please legalize assisted suicide
Oxide Radio has merchandise for sale. Before you get excited, it’s a t-shirt with ‘Keep Calm and Listen To Oxide Radio’ on it.
As a cultural institution which makes me want to euthanize myself, the Keep Calm brand is right up there with How I Met Your Mother and people who post ‘Shoe The Tabs!’ on Facebook when it’s the boat race.
The variations get worse. Keep Calm and Bake Cakes. Keep Calm and Do The Harlem Shake. Keep Calm and Mourn Diana. (Actually I sort of want that one). Keep Calm and Bun THC. Is your brain melting yet, bros?
The brand has spawned posters, t-shirts, mugs, condoms (yes, condoms) – all from one Ministry of Information poster in 1939.
Keep Calm and Fetch The Noose.
Omg guys, Jacob Elordi is going to Oxford University in October to study English
Lydia Spencer-ElliottHe fell in love with the campus while filming Saltburn
Oxford Uni lecturer stalked by man who flew 4,000 miles to her with a can of pepper spray
Emily SmithHe sent his bags to her office and wanted her to ‘be his Valentine’
Oxford Uni chaplain who compared sex offenders to ‘puppies needing training’ given welfare role
He asked one student assault victim if they were ‘aware of the effect they had on men’, but has now secured a post at another college
These are the subjects you need to study at Oxbridge to more than double your grad salary
In one subject, studying it at Oxbridge over any other uni will get you £47k more per year
Oxford University College offers students a Halal menu option but it includes… red wine
One student said she was ‘sadly not surprised’ at the mistake
Two of Emma Watson’s lecturers at The University of Oxford have successfully sued the uni
Emma Watson studies on Oxford’s creative writing course
So, people are rinsing Oxford students for dancing at a ball and it’s low-key really mean
A Ceilidh is a huge part of Scottish culture
Oxford University Vice-Chancellor with £232k salary says grads should be donating to their uni
Was my £9k a year not enough!
Two of Emma Watson’s lecturers at Oxford are suing the university for unfair dismissal
The lecturers also compared their situation to the Post Office scandal
Oxford uni called ‘patronising’ for job advice despite banning its students from working
Oxford’s policy on part-time jobs reads: ‘Term-time employment is not permitted except under exceptional circumstances’
Students from two Oxford colleges are throwing Saltburn themed parties this term
One of them is Felix and Oliver’s actual college from the film
Students at University of Oxford housed in four-star hotels due to a lack of accommodation
One of the hotels costs up to £150 a night and has an indoor pool and spa
A professor at the University of Oxford has told students to use ChatGPT for essays
The economics students were told AI ‘should help you produce a much better essay’
Oxford students forced to sleep in queues for over 24 hours to sign uni accommodation
‘It was absolutely freezing, I’m wearing three jumpers right now’
All the Oxford on campus filming locations where Emerald Fennell shot Saltburn
Harrison BrocklehurstStudents literally loaned their actual dorm rooms to the production team
BBC denies allegations of antisemitism on University Challenge due to octopus mascot and Palestinian flag colours
‘We utterly condemn the abuse that has been posted and shared’
Oxford student found escort waiting in their room booked by the university
The student found a ‘woman sitting on [their] bed in a lingerie robe’ in their hotel room
So, some Oxford Colleges actually have a chalet students can visit and it’s big Tory vibes
Rah Bartholomew are you coming to the College chalet this year?
Katie Hopkins is speaking at the Oxford Union this term and shock, no one wants her
She’s going to be debating… veganism?
Oxford College asks students to sleep on mattresses in shared rooms due to RAAC in halls
Not really the Oxford dark-academia dream you signed up for is it?
Everything Jack O’Connell has been up to since breaking all our hearts as Cook in Skins
Rebecca MurphyHe’s now starring in the new Amy Winehouse biopic Back To Black
From absolute legends to losers, the definitive ranking of Coachella’s biggest headliners
Aaron EdwardsThere’s been the best of shows, there’s been the worst of shows
Tori has finally spilled what her friendship status is now with the other MAFS Australia girls
‘What those girls did to me was not friendship’
Madeleine complains that her MAFS Australia edit made her look like a ‘batsh*t crazy b*tch’
Francesca EkeThe psychic medium said that producers ‘pushed on a relationship topic that she didn’t want to go into’
MAFS Australia bride says groom broke up with her ‘out of the blue’ and won’t reply to her
‘He won’t reply to me. He hasn’t replied’
A body language expert says Jack and Tori are lying about having sex on MAFS Australia
‘Do I think they had proper sex? No’
Everything Eden and Jayden have been up to since their messy run on MAFS Australia
Apparently they broke up FOUR TIMES after filming finished
This is why everyone thinks Taylor Swift’s song thanK you aIMee is about Kim Kardashian
The title literally spells out KIM!!
All the savage Matty Healy lyrics Taylor Swift sings on The Tortured Poets Department
‘They shake their heads and say God help her when I tell them he’s my man’
Richard Gadd speaks about how similar Baby Reindeer’s Martha actually is to his real stalker
Phoebe KowhaiShe did actually send him over 41,071 emails and leave 350 hours of voicemails
Student at £43,000 a year private school ‘smashed the skulls’ of two students with hammer
The 17-year-old also tried to kill a teacher in ‘horrific attack’
Ellie Ring
What have Timothy and Lucinda been up to since their MAFS Australia 2024 homestay fight?
They’re still besties!
Here’s where to watch Richard Gadd next if you’re obsessed with Netflix’s Baby Reindeer
He’s in a police show with Stephen Graham!
Digs at Davide to Lorraine Kelly drama: What Ekin-Su has been up to since Celeb Big Brother
Iona MacRobertShe’s been in the headlines a lot lately
After their tense homestay, are Jack and Tori still together after MAFS Australia 2024?
I need answers immediately
Yikes! A snippet of Taylor Swift’s new album has allegedly leaked and people are SLATING it
‘We declared Charlie Puth should be a bigger artist’ is an actual lyric
Inside the life of Walton Goggins, the Fallout ghoul everyone is weirdly crushing on
Lily ColdstreamYes, it’s possible to thirst after a man who looks like a carved pumpkin