Three More Lessons Of The Week

1. What makes a good college…

In the light of the Tab’s poll, it seems that most people try to argue that their college is objectively the best. My college is not the best however, because it doesn’t have a drinking society.

The people who go out don’t have a name. Or a motto. Or a uniform to make us stand out in clubs as people who have public school connections.

We don’t have initiations where we paint first years’ faces and make them drink until they vomit. We can’t turn people away from our drinking sessions to make us feel powerful and exclusive.

We can’t meet in secret and enjoy big circle-jerks about how much better and wealthier we are than the rest. We don’t feel like we belong or have an identity.

So drinking with my friends has to just be called ‘drinking with my friends’. Therefore it’s shit.

2. Nasty words make baby Jesus cry.

When I was seven, a boy in my class by the name of Jonny Fontaine (I know) kissed the girl I fancied. To get revenge I wrote ‘I wish Jonny was dead’ on the whiteboard before class one day. He cried and I was sent home for a week.

That story was largely irrelevant to the point I’m making but what it does show is that overreaction is easy. And words can offend easily.

Realistically if the Pembroke Ball really was people’s Best Night Evah, then the opinions of some white blogger typing away on the internet shouldn’t really matter that much. Or as some of my fans refer to me, the words of a ‘whiney bitch’, ‘whiney twat’, or a ‘snide, snobbish twat’.

Shout out to Jonny if you’re reading this though. I hope your parents are back together.

3. Who owns the Fifth Week Blues?

The fifth week blues – what are they? You’re arbitrarily told to have them in emails and adverts, and it’s supposed to be a self-fulfilling prophecy as you do in fact get a bit more stressed around this time of term.

I thought the last reserve of freedom was in choosing when I feel shit about myself and for what reason(s). Now even this has been taken away from me.

Stop telling me to have the blues! This is laziness. This isn’t writing. Is this journalism? Is this a column? Is this meta? Can I stop now? Is my 400 words full up? Why on earth are you still reading this?