Loveless Leticia strikes again (with limited success)

The editors kindly subtitled my opening foray into this soul-baring enterprise under the tagline, ‘How to lose a guy in 10 minutes’.

At least, unlike most of my friends, family and other random commentators who feel the need to share their (quite frankly unsolicited) opinions, they expect nothing of me.

These others express their expectations on a frequent basis, with questions ranging from the gentle “no boyfriend at the moment?”, to my continental cousins’ downright rude exclamation “AHAHAHA you STILL have no boyfriend? But it is so EASY”.

Yes, thank you for pointing out that everyone else in the world seems to be more successful than me in the relationships department. I honestly hadn’t noticed.

Gosh, suddenly, after your violent outburst I saw a random man on the street and now here I am no longer single, lalalaladidah. (NB that was the use of sarcasm. Luckily for the purposes of finding 8 weeks’ worth of writing material I am still firmly single).

The real question is, what on EARTH do they mean by ‘easy’?? I just don’t understand how one is supposed to ensnare a man.

‘ensnare’ – we think this may be where you’re going wrong, Leticia

I suppose I have had the occasional opportunity. I think this might be Loveless Leticia’s Life Lesson number 2 coming right atcha.

 I am a mad combination of higher expectations than any of my interested counterparts and rude rejection of the occasional person who dares to approach . If you really want love, maybe you just have to scrape the barrel (?).

Like this?

There was, for example, the time when I was travelling alone in South America (yah, just discovering myself). Anyway, finding myself stranded in a boring residential city after the bus drivers took it upon themselves to launch a surprise strike, I befriended a small gnome-like young man. Well, it was more a case of him befriending me.

He trailed after me for an entire day, which I allowed on the grounds that he appeared amenable and also bought me such an enormous ice cream that I felt guilty for trying to abandon him at every opportunity.

He tried all the tricks in the Latino book: “you have very big eyes” (a patent lie. And BIG? He needs to learn to compliment. Although to be honest that’s probably the nicest thing a boy’s ever said to me so I shouldn’t complain.); “are English boys good kissers?” (er, how should I know? My experience was less than limited).

I tried to put him off by starting a debate about the Falklands. It didn’t work.

He did almost succeed in seducing me (more in desperation than anything else), but then I realised that to meet his thin lips lined with wispy black hairs with my own fair mouth I would have to bend down at least a foot.

Neck ache – not everyone’s idea of fun

Then it hit me that not only was it a very good idea to say no because he was a mad lustful Latin man who knew no limits, but also that I just couldn’t sink that low (both figuratively and literally). Yet.

So, my darling advice-seekers, let that be a lesson to you. If I ever complain that no one has ever liked me, it just ain’t true. I was once pursued for at least 2 hours by a hairy gnome.