Where will you meet your future spouse?

We all know everyone at Oxford ends up marrying each other, it’s all one big incestuous circle, and anyway, once you’ve played Orsino to her Viola in the Burton Taylor, who else could you marry?

The Tab has come up with some ideas of locations for your meet-cute…

Rad Cam

Ideal for: People who prefer silence to conversation – stands you in good stead for married life.

Smells like: Old books, naturally. That well-known aphrodisiac.

Advantages: You’ll do your work on those library trips undertaken during courtship and, since you probably both do History, your timetables will match so you’ll enjoy lie-ins together.

Disadvantages: ‘Our eyes met across the taped-over plugs on the silent table’ isn’t one to tell the grandchildren – considerable embellishment required.

College

Ideal for: Lazy people, who understand  ‘our rooms were close and we hit it off’ to mean destiny.

Smells like: Desperation (less well-known aphrodisiac)

Advantages: Convenience, you will be used to living in close proximity when you move in together…and convenience.

Disadvantages: Say goodbye to personal space…

 

Iffley Road Gym

Ideal for: Those who like to keep fit but aren’t interesting enough to pursue proper sporting hobbies.

Smells like: Other people’s sweat, accumulating on the walls since October.

Advantages: most people gain weight in relationships – this won’t be you.  If you don’t end up marrying, use your break-up-induced gym hiatus as an excuse to play a real sport and become an interesting person.

Disadvantages: Relations may cool should one of you gain/lose six pounds (depends on gender) -not ideal if you want to have children/don’t want to pump iron forever.

 

The King’s Arms/any Oxford pub

Ideal for: People with friends, alcoholics and social climbers

Smells like: Stale beer, but it’s ok, it’s expensive stale beer

Advantages: Dutch courage

Disadvantages: Once you graduate and abandon that crazy, hedonistic beer-drinking Oxford lifestyle, you may find you have nothing in common; if you both like drinking, who will drive home?

 

Park End cheesefloor

Ideal for: Ugly people (beer goggles are your main pulling power) and shy people who need Harry Styles to tell them they’re beautiful before they’ll loosen up.

Smells like: Jaegerbombs, BO and urine.

Advantages: If you can make out each other’s names over the din of a hundred post-adolescent revellers screaming the words to Teenage Dirtbag AND manage not to be punched in the face by your neighbour’s ‘novel’ dance moves, you can make it through anything.

Disadvantages: that ‘pop’ a girl’s foot is meant to do on that perfect first kiss won’t happen – the floor is far too sticky with Jaegermeister.