Make them eat cake

• Oxford Guild President launches 2,300 word tirade at members
• New College’s Abbas Kazmi was angry at poor numbers for afternoon tea
• Capitalised rant calls on them to “pull their weight” or face “harsh consequences

Afternoon tea – a golden networking opportunity or a network of coercion?

It was supposed to be a friendly afternoon tea for members of the Oxford Guild Society.

So imagine the horror when the President of the prestigious business club threatened members with “harsh penalties” for failing to “pull their weight”.

In a 2,300 word tirade leaked to The Tab, co-President Abbas Kazmi threatened to name and shame committee bigwigs and college representatives who didn’t share a Facebook event.

The New College student showed off his best ‘look, I’m shouting’ voice, telling the 83 recipients: “THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE – I HAVE NOT RECEIVED ENOUGH REPLIES FROM YOU AND CAN SEE THAT MANY OF YOU HAVEN’T POSTED IT ABOUT OR SHARED IT ON FACEBOOK.”

The tea – a networking opportunity at the Old Bank Hotel – was “struggling for numbers” due to members’ failure to complete “this tiny bit of work” and “the very simple short tasks”.

An exasperated Kazmi told them: “I am giving those of you who haven’t pushed the event one last chance – failure to carry out the very simple short tasks below (which will only take 5 minutes MAX) will result in harsh penalties. I will also be naming and shaming the worst of you.”

‘Oxford and the UK’s largest and oldest business society’

He went on to list the tedious tasks committee members should have, but had not, taken to promote this and other Guild events, such as sharing the event on Facebook and sending it to subject mailing lists.

He assured them: “none of this is very difficult…I expect you to have no problems”.
All recipients of the email were told to “REPLY TO MY EMAIL AND SAY YOU HAVE UNDERSTOOD ALL THE ABOVE AND HAVE DONE IT.”

The Guild insists the afternoon tea is now all filled up, but our undercover reporter successfully applied to attend the tea.

What The Tab really wants to know, though, is why was the Guild struggling to find people who want free tea and cake?