The Five Types of Crewdater

Around 10pm every Wednesday evening, Sebastians and Anastasias stumble to a nightclub in their blazers, ties and dresses, shouting and singing in the street.

This is the crewdating crowd, and these are its five types.

There’s always one person who tries to collect all the A-Level information of the people sitting around them – what school they went to, what college they applied to, what year they went to Bestival.

See also: saying the name of every person they know in your college in an attempt to “do bonding”.

Most likely to say: “Oh, you did French GCSE a year early? Me too! Shall we be mates?”

Please don’t stand on the table

Sure, you could try to sustain conversation, tell a story or pretend to have some opinions. Or, you could stand up and shout across the table that – wait for it – a friend of yours had a sexual experience somewhere, with someone, once.

Have you ever tried explaining the sconcing culture to someone outside of Oxford? You basically stop your meal to have a mass game of Never Have I Ever (remember that?), but in a restaurant full of people.

The Sconcer attempts to make you laugh for an 8th week in a row at the same non-story about Phillipa’s fumble in Bridge V.I.P.

Most likely to say: “I sconse anyone who lost their virginity on a golf course during Ayia Napa ’08! Yes, that’s right Tabitha. You little slut.”

Constantly standing up for being sconced, this type nails the fake-embarrassed, secretly proud look of “Oh not me again! This is so embarrassing guys!”.

Most likely to say: “Has anyone done the sconse about me in Thailand? No? That is something I don’t want to happen.”

Ayyyy not out

It’s easy to forget that you actually eat a meal at a crew date.

This type thinks that if they’re paying £15, no amount of conversation or drinking is going to get in the way of their three-course fine dining. You’ve really got to admire the person who, as the bottles of wine are emptying, ignores the drunken revelry and asks to see the dessert menu.

Most likely to say: “I don’t give a shit about your internship, give me that onion bhaji”.

Try and keep this down

When “international drinking rules” began, fun was invented. Have you ever been on a crew date when no-one put a penny in your drink and you never had a chance to show how quickly you could down wine? I bet it was shit, wasn’t it?

This type enforces the pennying rule so religiously, it’s borderline harassment. Have you ever tried to walk into a bar and tell a girl to immediately down her vodka? (Don’t – they often press charges).

And yet for some reason it’s acceptable to put a penny in a girl’s drink, making her down every glass of wine she pours and then for you or your mates to hit on her.

Most likely to say: “I don’t have any conversation so I’m just going to shout ‘SEE IT AWAY’ over and over again”.