Anal: The New Oral?

It’s the question on all our lips…

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The famously lecherous Romans claimed it gave practitioners bad breath.

Their more prudish medieval descendants considered it the most depraved of all sexual practices.

Even they had limits…

The Victorians considered it completely taboo, the kinky activity to top all kinkiness.

And yet, from the 1960s on, blowjobs have become a much loved part of British culture.

Indeed, their transition from dark deviancy to popular hobby is most marked in the way they are now seen as an innocence-preserving alternative to penetrative sex.

What was once the preserve of the foulest street-prostitutes has now become the common option for couples who do not yet feel ready to go the whole hog.

It’s certainly a useful move to be good at. It can be performed at any time of the month; swallowing means less of a mess is left at the end; and, if you’re under time pressure, it’s even possible to do it while driving between appointments.

Drive safely, kids.

But we’re wondering – how much longer can oral sex’s (admittedly scrumptious) rule last?

For, out in the darkness of the night, another approach to bedroom fun lurks.

It’s the love that daren’t speak its name, a quirky game made of equal parts lust and curiosity, an avenue rarely taken but not often reversed out of.

We are, of course, referring to anal play.

You have been warned.

A quick browse on LoveHoney quickly shows how fast-spreading this particular sexual pursuit is.

As more of us exhaust the possibilities presented by the front door, and with oral so mainstream it’s unreal, the true hipsters of the love-making scene are turning in greater and greater numbers to the legendary ‘third hole’, the deep, dark back-alley of the soul.

And, by God, the market for anal toys is growing with it. As responsible journalists, we did our research, and would recommend the following –

 

The Butt Tingler Vibrating Butt Plug

With an insertable length of 3.5 inches, multiple speeds and batteries included, this baby is described as the ‘ideal beginner toy’ by reviewers.

The half inch tip means that it should fit into even the tightest holes without causing pain – the perfect teaser for experimenters.

“Super slim”, this “soft, flexible vibrating plug” is marketed as “perfect for anal beginners”.

One word of warning, however – its jelly base means that, if you get a bit too enthusiastic, it could be possible to force the whole thing in there. Ouch!

 

The ‘Toy Joy Pleasure Fountain’ Shower Attachment Dildo

Because only noobs use an anal douche.

With a 5 inch circumference and an insertable length of 6.75 inches, and designed to fit the vast majority of shower fittings, here’s a toy with a difference.

The Toy Joy – taking personal cleanliness to the next level.

Made of rigid purple plastic, this little monster is lined with small holes to help you ensure total cleanliness.

Reviewers simply caution that sometimes, the water can come out of it a little too fast. You have been warned!

 

The Icicles No. 14 Bulbous Large Glass Butt Plug

The undoubted king of our little list, this beast is recommended only to ‘advanced anal players’.

With a girth of 5.5 inches, it only has a maximum insertable length of four inches.

Its “swollen girth” makes it “incredibly filling”

However, reviewers describe its reliability, with one pleased customer noting: “I’ve had it in place for over 24 hours straight before now”.

It’s glass, so remember to use olive oil as lube. Otherwise, it’s easy to maintain, with a clever ring-handle at the end for easy manipulation and slender enough to be unobtrusive under clothing.

Just don’t bend over whilst wearing it!

 

So, what do you think? Are you planning on staying face-side for the foreseeable future, or do you think it’s time you turned your sex life upside-down?