Saints to go marching in (against Magdalen)

St Hilda’s has joined St Catz in declaring war on Magdalen.

In a motion passed last week, St Catherine’s College JCR declared itself an enemy of Magdalen College and, feeling threatened by ‘rumours that Magdalen is expanding in a brutal quest for lebensraum’, it resolved to set up a war committee.

St Catz JCR was not given many details  (in case Magdalen ‘spies’ were present) but the hostility is thought to have been provoked by a fight between a St Catz student, known as Comrade Shankar, and Magdalen students, after a night out.

St Hilda’s College JCR has now allied itself with St Catz, threatening that the ‘Hildabeasts’ plan on hunting Magdalen’s deer in wintertime.

Targets of St Hilda’s vicious campaign

St Hilda’s resolved to ‘fight [Magdalen] on the bridges, to fight them in the deer park, to fight them in the fields and in Sainsbury’s, to fight them in hall; we shall never surrender’.

Sainsbury’s, an unlikely battlefield

The motion’s proposers explained, somewhat dramatically, that, ‘We must defend this college, this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this Hilda’s, and defend our hunting territory as the Frost Giants are approaching Oxford’.

Adam Blackburn, Chief of the Defence Staff at St Hilda’s College, told The Tab:

“Catz have always been our friends and allies, and after the appalling act of aggression perpetrated by the Magdalen scourge, we decided that we had no other option.

“Magdalen has imperialistic pretensions to hegemony and domination over all of Oxford, if not the world, and we chose now as the time to make our stand.

“We sincerely hope that other colleges join us in the fight against this menace.

“As for our plans, they are [REDACTED] and we aim to [REDACTED] whilst we also hope that we can [REDACTED].”

May the unicorns be with you…

Magdalen JCR has thusfar seemed unmoved by such threats, with some students claiming ignorance of St Catz’s existence.

Millie Ross, JCR President at Magdalen, branded her rival colleges ‘attention-seeking’ and ‘dictators’,  telling us in a Tabsclusive: “As far as I can tell, Magdalen don’t have any plans in response to the declarations of war.

“The fact that St Hilda’s had joined said war led to further confusion in the JCR, with Spokesperson Tim Slatcher stating that, “given its location and architecture, I always assumed Hilda’s was a Brookes hall of residence.”

“It seems to be universally acknowledged that this is an attention seeking effort for certain lesser known colleges to herd together.

“I have had a few extremely brave individuals from other colleges express their support for Magdalen, despite the pressure that their dictators have imposed.”

However, some Magdalen JCR members have taken the ‘war’ into their own hands, which suggests that Magdalen’s claimed indifference may be a mere front.

At 5am on Sunday morning, after wreaking havoc in their own accommodation, three Magdalen students headed to St Catz to engage in what Magdalen’s bogsheet calls ‘guerilla warfare’.

Don’t worry guys, the dreaming spires of St Catz are still standing

The students have since been Deaned at Magdalen for their behaviour.

Conservationists will be relieved to know that none of St Catz’s beautiful buildings were damaged by these events. For further evidence of this, see this week’s Hot Bodz in Quads.

Other threats from Magdalenites have included ‘Do you want me to dress up as a crayon and abuse them?’, proposals of a mass water fight and ‘We will fight them on the Norrington Table’.

When in doubt, get a colouring book

Who do you think should be Magdalen’s war officer?

The Tab nominates self-proclaimed ‘hardest man at Magdalen’, Christian Kinnersley.

Don’t mess with this guy