Worst Oxonian: Vote Now

We’re all used to hearing about Oxford’s stellar alumni. From Sir Walter Raleigh to Stephen Hawking we all know the roll call of greatness that represents the upper echelons of our predecessors. But what about the other end of the scale? Who is the worst ever Oxonian? You, the students, decide.

 

Somerville

Iron Lady, friend of Reagan, scourge of miners (N.B. that’s ‘miners’, not ‘minors’)

Pros: First female Prime Minister, kept the Falklands, frugal with expenses, gave birth to ‘Queen of the Jungle’ Carol

Cons: Took away milk from children, took away jobs from miners, introduced the poll tax, gave birth to failed African warlord Mark Thatcher, ruined ice cream

Before rising up the political ladder to give Arthur Scargill and his ragtag band of workshy followers a stomping Maggie busied herself as a research chemist helping to develop ice cream with more air and water in it. Cheaper for the companies, not so good for the man on the street for whom the sound of Greensleeves on a summer’s day would never be the same. She went on to deal the collective British calcium intake another blow with her decision to cut free milk for over sevens not to mention, as the longest serving Prime Minister in history, presiding over record levels of unemployment and a widening of the income divide.

 

New

Actor, newspaper botherer, philanderer

Pros: He’s a beautiful man, starred in a string of highly acclaimed RomComs, doesn’t mind flashing the cash in New College bar

Cons: One of his middle names is Mungo, doesn’t like tabloids, doesn’t get on well with the police either, starred in ‘Did You Hear About the Morgans’

Whilst most famous for his onscreen beaus he was caught with his pants down on Sunset Boulevard with prostitute Devine Brown back in 1995. The Tab hopes, for the sake of the young New Collegers he is infamous for lavishing booze upon, that the $1,180 fine and trip to an AIDS education program helped him learn his lesson.

 

Brasenose

Professor, Fellow of the UK Institute of Physics, smuggler

Pros: Good at physics, more interesting than your typical tutor, probably speaks decent Spanish by now

Cons: Doesn’t get out much, doesn’t always think with his head, not very good at packing

Paul Frampton might be one of the lesser known alumni on the shortlist but he’s certainly worthy of his place. The distinguished professor of physics at the University of North Carolina was tricked into attempting to smuggle two kilos of cocaine into the USA from Peru. A gang lured him into the crime by convincing him he was about to meet a 30 year-old Czech supermodel. At his trial in Argentina he was convicted of smuggling and will serve at least two years and four months although he has been allowed to do the time under house arrest. The Tab suggests he invests some of that physics cash in an Xbox.

 

Wadham

Former OxStu editor, half-hearted twitter warrior

Pros: His glasses are a bit like John Lennon’s, shortlisted for a Guardian Student Media Award, not OxStu editor any more

Cons: Overly zealous proponent of OUSU, questionable hair, probably a vegan, not much of a lad

Everybody’s favourite OxStu editor from last term who wasn’t called Ayesha Jhunjhunwala, there’s nothing Isaac loves more than James Rothwell student journalism. No floating heads or cheeky puns from this wannabe Guardianista, it’s all about the hard-hitting news. If you wanted to read about the OUSU electoral review, problems with online booking systems or the Univ Secret Santa Scandal then Isaac’s OxStu was the place to go.

 

Worcester

Media mogul, amnesia enthusiast, nepotist

Pros: Aussie grit, built News Corporation into a company owning 800 subsidiaries, his wife’s 38 years younger than him

Cons: Now a US citizen, helped out Thatcher and Tony Blair, under investigation in the UK and America for phone hacking and police bribery allegations

Let’s face it, he’s a bit of a bastard. The Fleet Street tyrant’s success stories include The Sun, The Times and BSkyB, but the allegations of illegality regarding News International’s hacking of phones and illegal payments to police prompted him to resign as Director in July 2012. He described his appearance in front of a Parliamentary Select Committee as “the most humble day of my life”. Whilst being the 106th richest person in the world probably helps to soften the blow, he still needed his wife to stand up for him when he got custard pied in Westminster.

 

Oriel

Colonialist, diamond magnate, founder of the Rhodes scholarships

Pros: Pays for lots of Americans to visit us, provided plenty of girls with their best friend, had a country named after him, rumoured to be a pioneer of Movember

Cons: Racist, imperialist, monopolist, expansionist, lots of other nasty things ending in ‘ist’

He founded diamond company De Beers and used his wealth and political influence to expand the British empire across southern Africa whilst restricting the supply of diamonds and buying up newspapers to turn public opinion when he embarked on a career as a politician. Once said, “I contend that we are the first race in the world, and that the more of the world we inhabit the better…If there be a God, I think that what he would like me to do is paint as much of the map of Africa British Red as possible.” Yeah, that sort of guy.

 

Brasenose

General, butcher, Buller man

Pros: Won WWI (kind of a big deal), given a state funeral, also an Earl, has a snazzy hat

Cons: 2 million Brits were killed while he was in charge (also kind of a big deal), nicknamed ‘The Butcher of the Somme’

Whilst war is ultimately a results business he’s been dubbed a ‘butcher’ for the senseless massacres seen at The Somme, Ypres and Passchendaele that all occurred on his watch. To be fair to him he did have to put up with having a Champagne-soaked misanthrope for a boss, but as Gideon ‘George’ Osborne and David ‘DC’ Cameron have since shown us, often being in the Bullingdon Club is merely the precursor to ever greater levels of twattishness. Probably worth a final reminder that two million dead is really rather a lot.

 

Magdalen

Short-term King, soldier, MILF hunter

Pros: Old-school romantic, WWI veteran

Cons: Ballsed up the job he was literally born to do, suspected of being a Nazi sympathiser, ruled for an underwhelming 326 days and never even got officially crowned

Edward managed a whole eight months at Magdalen before resigning himself to his fate and leaving without obtaining any qualifications. Hardly the worst thing he did. Whilst The Tab, which brought you such love stories as ‘Posh boys are better in bed‘, is a firm believer in the power of love it’s probably best to not almost tear apart the constitutional structure of the country so you can run off with a divorcee. Cheekily getting your brother to rename you the Duke of Windsor, swanning around at photo ops with Hitler and living in near-permanent retirement courtesy of the British taxpayer for almost 30 years aren’t exactly brilliant PR moves either.