Students Mugged for Chips

Two students at Oxford have been mugged for their chips. The incident occurred at around 3am when a male and female student were walking back from a night out at Camera.

They were assaulted by a ‘large aggressive Scotsman’ who snuck up from behind them and grabbed one of the victims by his collar, shaking him and tearing his top. He then demanded that they hand over their chips or get a beating.

Stephen Richardson, eyewitness to the event, described the assailant as having “demon eyes”.

The two students, Mikey Blake and Sofia Newitt, were left shaken by the attack. Mikey told The Tab “The very look of Hussain’s now sends shivers down my spine… The worst part is he didn’t even know I had nuggets in there as well!”

Mikey can no longer look at Hussain’s without feeling scared

The loss hit Sofia too who was looking forward to sharing Mikey’s chips and nuggets. Stuttering and blubbering she fought back tears while telling The Tab “it saddens me that there are people in this world who simply take. Christmas is a time for giving, and this man certainly does not deserve a visit from Papa Noel.”

When asked how this would affect other students who heard the story, many were shocked and frightened. Rebecca Nicholls, a third year geographer, said, “in the future I’ll eat my chips immediately”. Harrison Denner said, “From now on it seems the sensible thing is to hide your Hassan’s in your trousers or under a laptop”.

Sofia revealed she would never get chips again unless escorted by someone who could offer sufficient protection from thieves.

When The Tab asked Mikey why they picked him as a victim he said, “I think it’s because I was an easy target and he didn’t like the fact I went to Oxford. He had a chip on his shoulder and then mine in his stomach.”

The Tab suggests all chip buyers do so with caution and keep an eye out for any large devil-eyed Scotsman. If you see or hear anything please get in touch with the Thames Valley Police.