Ménage à Moi

What’s the question that‘s on everyone’s lips? How will Obama do with his second season in office? Is 2013 the year of BibleChic? Who will be the next beloved TV personality to be discovered in an awkward position with a 9 year old boy?

No. The ultimate bastion of psychological dilemma I bring to you now; and that’s the threesome. For years it has been the wet-dream of spotty teenage boys to have two women feasting on their pre- pubescent genitalia, gorging themselves on the glory that is the 14 year old ball-sack. But I want to talk about the reality, the mechanics if you like, of the real, nitty-gritty ménage à trois.

The options we have (and here I apologise but I’m going to use the lingo of seedy chatrooms and craigslist – worth a google if you turn off the filter) the MMW, the MWW, the MMM and the WWW. And hopefully in these you can bring along a few more fun acronyms; BDSM, CIM, ATM, DATY or a good old fashioned BJ.

Even pussies like threesomes

The first then, the Devil’s Threesome: two men to one woman. Men are often overwhelmed by the Eiffel Tower; fears of crossing swords and eye contact during orgasm I think are the main elephants in the room (unless you’re into BBW). And there are fears for the female participant too: trust me, trying to orchestrate two willies in the mouth is like trying to rub your tummy and pat your head, but with a far more real possibility of maiming and injury. People clamp down their jaws when they get stressed, so boys don’t forget the Barry White or we might actually be your first, your last, your everything.

But personally I love the MMF. You get lots of attention and when one goes down the other one comes up. I do, however, understand the male fascination with the Angel’s Threeway: everything that’s good comes in twos (The Cheeky Girls, Twix etc). Not for the faint hearted, however: if you have trouble locating one clitoris, now you have to find two.

Images of two women on their knees fighting over your manhood very rarely match up to the reality of the situation, which usually ends up having one girl getting the attention (and by that I mean the penis) whilst the other one demands that you kiss or finger her. Lots of work really.

But I say let him have his cake and eat it, as long as it’s your cake he’s eating. Oral sex in the MFF is the key to mutual satisfaction, and if you can get the women to alter their sexualities just for the night even better. I suggest putting the man on the bottom, with one woman on top and the other sitting on his face. Everyone’s happy (we assume, his smile should be buried at this point).

As the wise man Pitbull once said, “Two’s a crowd and three’s a party”.