Shit Cribs – Felix’s Jericho Pad

Hey! Have you seen Jericho? What, you haven’t? Are you mental? But that’s where the coolest guys in Oxford chillax (sorry Cowley)! It’s home of both Oxford’s permanently middle-aged AND the Bullingdon Club; what’s not to love? At every turn there’s naughty pubs, cheeky delicatessens and independent cinemas screening foreign/ironic/moustache-suitable films. Welcome to Felix’s world.

An excitable Tom and Felix greet the Tab

I’m greeted by some pretty sweet house-customisations; Felix claims the gargoyle above the door (just out of photo) is ‘pretty amusing and quite mouldy’, but that’s harsh. Rather than merely humorous, the sculpture is fearsome, warding off the meek and offering a tantalising prelude to the finery of the décor inside.

The kitchen displays a charming absence of shelves or cutlery draws, a clever and mocking comment on the rigidity of 21st century living, cuttingly deriding our silly bourgeois obsession with storage. The room feels pretty chilled out, partly due to the fact that ‘the heating doesn’t work’, but this house is politically in-tune, and emphasises that our maniacal fixation on ‘warmth’ is just sickening false consciousness.

Das Krapital

Felix waxes lyrical about the free kettle that came with the house. ‘That classic kettle’ he murmurs through a mouthful of sweet, sweet butter and toast. Gregariously, he offers me an entirely free cup of tea, without even needing to point out that the apparent lack of space is just a complex optical illusion.

Let them eat toast (and then more toast)

On the way into the next room I notice a friend taking a nap in the extra bed (which also came free with the house) – Tom sleeps peacefully on the ‘futon’ and looks the picture of tranquillity.

Tom takes a quick essay break

Moving into the sitting room I’m stunned by the spacious and airy surroundings. It may appear dark in areas, but Felix raves about the ‘free dinge’ that comes with the house. ‘I always look for dinge when I’m browsing the housing market’ he says. ‘This shady corner is a perfect example of vintage dinge’.

Dinge for the discerning connoisseur

Peering out of the crystal view portal – known as a window by the less enlightened – I begin to understand the true delights of the house’s surroundings. Felix hasn’t yet met his neighbours: ‘some random bloke lives out there, I have no idea who he is but he sometimes keeps me awake’. I sense a reticent optimism about the prospects of neighbourly antics in weeks to come.

Windows in most student houses come with two settings: ‘open’ and ‘closed’

All in all, a pretty sweet crib. Freshers, get your parents’ signatures forged early, because when this house comes on the market it won’t stick around for long.