How to seduce your tutor

Seducing your teacher is a secret fantasy. Your tutor is just the forbidden fruit you’re longing to bite. Power is sexy. Intelligence is hot.

They may be socially inept nerds to everyone else but as your tutor they’re Grey in a gown. All you want to do is tear off that sweater vest, rip off those cords and show them your body of work. Here’s how to do it.

English/History

These Tutors live in the past. They’re nostalgic for the old days they read about. They long to jump in their books and feed Tess the strawberry, let Marie eat cake off them and pop Lizzie’s royal cherry.

For them you need to dress the part. Stay away from pleather and peplum. Replace the tight materials with flowing dresses.

Girls should think Jane Eyre and Joan of Arc. Subtle make-up and below the knee dresses.

Boys should channel their inner Darcy. Elbow pads and untucked shirts. Commit all the way with a wet t-shirt.

For boys and girls, clinch the deal with protruding nipples. Ice them before the tute for perfection.

Geography

These tutors are all about the earth. Life experience is what counts.

Don’t play the virgin, don’t make a colouring joke.

Wear baggy trousers and dirty t-shirts. Don’t try too hard or they won’t be. Back comb your hair and put make-up on the night before.

Boys should carefully style their hair to look like they couldn’t care less. You should look like you’ve just screwed and you’re ready for seconds.

They study the world and the world is your oyster. Even if you don’t like the taste, swallow.

Maths/Science

This area is one of the hardest to seduce, but also the most rewarding.

These tutors are scared and inexperienced. Too much immediate cleavage or thigh and they’ll run screaming.

Make them think you’re one of them. Fake glasses are always good, geeky jumpers with friendly characters will put them at ease.

Once you have them comfortable, flash them the suspenders or the chest hair (only if you’re male) to let them know you have a dark side.

Before you know it you’ll be bound and bent over a desk being shown that mass times acceleration = force of impact.

Theology

Theology is filled with naughty characters you want to nail on a cross. These tutors are surrounded by the good and all they really want is a taste of the bad.

Wear a cross, but pair it with all black and dark makeup. Finish it off by biting your lip and chewing your pencil; let them know you have an oral fixation.

They’ve put the body of Christ in their mouths, now it’s time to put their body in yours.

Languages

Language tutors are the easiest to seduce and most promiscuous. They’ve travelled the world and tasted the local cuisine.

Best of all, with all those rolling r’s they know how to use their tongues.

Go as provocative as you dare. For girls red lips and cleavage is key.

For boys, big arms and big smiles. Smelling like cigarettes and red wine will remind them of their better days abroad. It won’t be long ’til they’re giving you another first in Oral.

If in doubt just say it as it is: ‘voulez vous fuck avec moi?’

And if all else fails…