These students had an all out prank war on Harlaxton Drive

It’s the human faeces on the doorstep for me

You’re eight days into isolation, going slightly stir-crazy and growing tired of arguing with your own housemates, when you realise it would be far more interesting to argue with the neighbours from afar. That’s what Jed, a third year Economics and Politics student and his housemate Bryony, third year American Studies, decided to do.

It all started one gloomy day in Lenton when Jed decided to repeatedly bounce a tennis ball against the wall that divided his kitchen from the neighbour’s.

Not only did it prevent the girls next-door from having their daytime naps, it really did start to ruin the ambience of their rom-com evenings. So, they began to play loud music to mask the sound of the ball being pelted against the wall but, alas, Jed wasn’t deterred.

The egged parents’ car

The obvious first target for the girls’ revenge was Jed’s shiny grey Fiesta, complete with a private registration, positioned on the shared driveway. And the weapon? Eggs, of course. All student kitchens have an excess of eggs, especially if you’re living with a gym lad, ready to make his fifth omelette of the day.

As eggs began raining from the window of a first-floor bedroom, Jed and his housemates stood outside in disbelief and unfortunately Jed got caught in the crossfire, becoming a literal egghead.

Raging, Jed and housemate Bryony retaliated by cracking eggs on a visiting parent’s car. Involving parents’ cars was a clear breach of the neighbourhood war rules by Jed – so it was time for the girls next-door to take it a step further.

They filled condoms with leftover cooking oil and added a bit of mayonnaise and ketchup, as no meal is complete with condiments, before hurling them at Jed’s kitchen windows.

If you enter a student house, you’ll almost certainly notice a lack of cleaning inside, so you can imagine there was absolutely no chance anyone was cleaning the outside of their windows.

The flies thoroughly enjoyed the egg, sweetcorn and tomato mixture that had slid down the pane of glass to the ledge, however, this unfortunately meant the window couldn’t be opened due to the smell and congregation of creatures.

So, the girls next-door picked out their finest out-of-date goods with the most mould festering on them and slipped them onto Jed’s Fiesta’s window wipers, hoping to divert the flies from their own window.

With a lack of rotting snacks to hand, Jed and Bryony snuck out at night and used cling film to cellophane the neighbour’s car so that when their neighbour woke for placement in the morning, she was unable to get into it, let alone drive.

Alexa, play Wrapped Up by Olly Murs

At this point, cars went onto the list of prohibited targets in the war. This provoked Jed into producing his greatest feat yet, which would bring the war to a close.

Jed left an old 2kg protein whey powder container on his neighbour’s doorstep with a note saying, “Open to find Kim K”. Inside the container, drowning a picture of Kim K, was a collection of Jed’s housemates’ faeces.

Repulsed, exhausted and out of ideas the war finally came to an end as the girls next-door conceded defeat and Jed claimed victory.

Ultimately, Jed’s slow and steady start fooled his neighbours into an early confidence that was soon to be shattered along with the insides of their nostrils.

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