There are only six types of girls in Nottingham, which one are you?

Nottingham, comparable to the Serengeti, is blessed with a wide range of girls – the breeds vary immensely. These animals are typically found in close-knit packs, with the best time to spot the species tending to be after dark with a VK in each hand. They pretty much boil down to the following:

1. Bit Keen

You got into Notts with the grades they offered you (unheard of) and didn’t choose it based on the reputation of the nightlife (also unheard of), instead “because the course was really good here”. You do your work (UNHEARD OF) and still have a decent social life. You are probably a sec on a society, probably have work experience planned for next year, probably liked by your mates AND your tutors (how???). You work hard and deserve to do well – all of your friends outwardly envy and praise you. On the inside, however, they despise you almost as much as they despise themselves.

This is you if:

A) You have a LinkedIn profile and

B) Don’t solely use it to stalk the parents of the boy you’re talking to

2. Disappointed Baddie

You definitely come from a bigger city than Notts and were confused to find that Pryzm didn’t sell glow in the dark Dom Perignon. There were no exotic dancers or even a large teddy bear walking around named Frank. On weekends, you rush home to dine with the rents and your unreasonably fit boyfriend of three years. Hakkasan, Sexy Fish, Australasia or Tattu have a table waiting for you. Weekdays? If you have to go out in Nottingham, you’ll be found at The Lacehouse. You’ve tried every cocktail at Coco Tang.

This is you if: You wear exclusively House of CB. You can afford, and be bothered to keep up with eyelash extensions

3. Sporty Spice

Nobody ever has to ask if you’re on a team at Notts, because your stash will let them know. Heading to your seminar? Sauntering down Derby Road? Outside the Rose and Crown on a brisk October evening? Browsing the variations of rosé in Sainsbury’s? You’re bound to be in green and gold, and I can’t blame you. After all, your Wednesday nights were once the best – Crisis made all those early training sessions worth it.

This is you if: You’ve got a slight receding hairline from wearing ponytails

4. ‘(Insert your name here) definitely went to a girls school’

You were forced to a single-sex school at the tender age of 11 and faced a shock when you arrived in halls on that crisp September morning. Not only could you not form an articulate sentence when speaking to a remarkably average looking male, but you could not hold more than a second’s eye contact, either. Whichever year you are in your degree, nothing will/will have changed. You tell everyone: It was so nice!!!! No distractions!!! Girl power!!! All of these are lies and you loathe your parents. And kilts.

This is you if: You still feel confused when a lecturer doesn’t begin with “Now, Ladies…”

5. Badger (they’re nocturnal??)

Monday: Pryzm. Tuesday: Stealth. Wednesday: Crisis. Thursday: Shapes. Friday: Ocean. The Notts clubbing scene meant you were essentially paying entry to work a full time job of guzzling jägers. Until the clubs closed, your friends had never spoken to you in the daylight. You feel lost without the constant hangxiety and the new feeling of vitamin D currently flowing through your bloodstream is an uncomfortable sensation. You’ve tried to have a house party. It wasn’t the same, and you got a fine.

This is you if: Your eyes became less yellow over lockdown

6. Posh-in-denial

Life is a catwalk, and T&L is your runway (let’s face it, you defo study the Arts). Here, you showcase an ever-evolving collection of linen trousers, North Face puffers, and if you’re truly dedicated to the cause – a Vivienne Westwood necklace (or you’ve texted it to mummy ‘Xmas idea? Xxxx’). Despite your private education, you still haven’t learnt the potential consequences of chain-smoking and psychoactive substances. When you go home to the country estate for Christmas, you blame the retriever’s ‘kennel cough’ for the noises your lungs are producing.

This is you if: You have at least three Depop notifications and are going on the ski trip (after the family one to Courchevel in Feb, ofc