There are only six types of boys in Nottingham, which are you?

Choose your fighter

3 years ago

Nottingham is filled with lads, you may even know some yourself. They seem like an interesting and diverse bunch, but we all know that’s not true.

The 6 most common types are listed below, which one are you?

The David Ross boy

The David Ross boy comes in a few flavours, but they can essentially be boiled down to three key elements: Player Layer, protein powder, and perfect hair. Never seen more than two meters away from a protein shaker, the David Ross boy will study either Law, Psychology, or Politics.

Lockdown is starting to get to the David Ross boys.

Their skin fade never seems to look dishevelled, no matter what day at the gym it was. Unfortunately, their personality doesn’t seem to match their good looks, as they can be just as bland as their chicken breast and steamed veggies.

Their wardrobe will consist entirely of green and gold sweatshirts (all with their nicknames embroidered above their sport society of choice, of course), slim fitting trackies, 11 Degrees, Adidas Ultraboosts, and bags to carry their gym gear. You’ll always find them double parked in Crisis, unironically using the word banter, and calling everyone around them bro.

The Small Beanie boy

The cooler, older, British cousin of the E-boy. They’re dressed in skater brands you’ve never heard of, and vintage Carhartt coats from Cow. Every element of their outfit is so curated, so meticulously chosen, that it gives the illusion that they took no time at all to get dressed in the morning. Don’t be fooled by their chilled-out vibes, it hides their secret vanity, which they think can make up for their personality (or lack thereof).

“Quick bro, take the photo, my ears are getting cold!”

The key defining trait is their tiny, tiny beanie. What do they hide in there? How do they fit so perfectly on their heads? Perhaps most importantly, is what do they do when their ears get cold? They know the coolest spots in Hockley to chill, and always know if a new vegan café is opening before anyone else. They’re fundamentally harmless, with an impeccable Instagram; just don’t get caught agreeing to film their skate demo, as you’ll be outside holding a camera for hours in the freezing cold, while they fail to land a kickflip for the 80^thtime.

The Soft Boy

The Soft Boy will have read none of these books, yet will have opinions on all of them.

There are few things more dangerous than a Soft Boy; clad in a cosy jumper and vegan Docs, poised, elegantly, with a book by Nietzsche in hand. Appearances can be deceptive, though, as the Soft Boy will engage anyone in a debate at a moment’s notice. Bringing up politics, philosophy, history, or almost anything vaguely controversial will cause a discussion, which may span longer than you want it to.

It’s not all bad though, as they’re well read and will almost definitely give you a good book recommendation or two; just don’t have an opinion that’s different to them about it, as they will require a five-minute defence of your point of view, as well as quotes to back it up. They are almost guaranteed to show you one of their playlists after a solid 10 minute conversation and will introduce it by saying they will ‘show you some real music’. Newsflash, Soft Boy, everyone knows who The Smiths are, you’re just not that unique.

The Gamer Boy

If lockdown has taught us anything, it’s that the Gamer Boy is one of the real winners. Stuck inside all day with nothing to do but use both of their screens for streaming the League of Legends Championships, while also running Runescape, they’re never short of entertainment.

That said, the Gamer Boy is elusive. Why would anyone with a dual-monitor desktop set up, laptop, and Ipad ever want to come out of their room? The only sign of life from their room is neon lights, from their headset and keyboard, illuminating the crack under their door.

The Gamer Boy in his natural habitat.

It can be fifty-fifty, they are either lovely, or evil. The only issue is, you’ll never see them enough to find out. While the nice ones are great, and are genuinely kind people- the horrible ones can be some of the meanest about. Occasionally, they might venture forth into the kitchen, to cook something, have a brief conversation, then return to their room- which will be the only way you can gain some insight into which type they really are.

The Business Boy

After seeing his stock portfolio got up by £2, the Business Boy considers the day a great success.

The issue with the business boy is that they will always be more focused on the stock market. They’ll seem chill, but you’ll soon notice that they always be keeping one eye on a trading app. Their Instagram captions of ‘rise and grind’, or ‘the hustle never stops’, will just get irritating.

A conversation will start normally, but soon turn to how they managed to invest in Bitcoin before it became valuable, and they know a great investment opportunity that you should totally get in on. With sporting brands like Ralph Lauren, Tommy Hilfiger and Calvin Klein, you might begin to wonder if the flexing is a cover up for how successful they may, or may not be.

On a night out, they’ll be the one with the bottle, getting table service. You have to ask yourself, are they really having fun? They’re different to the David Ross boy, considering they wouldn’t be caught dead on UP- Jubilee is where it’s at, and they’ll say that the Jubilee gym is far better, but can’t back it up when asked why.

The Cul-de-Sac Road-boy

The Cul-de-Sac Road-boy will whip past you on Lenton Boulevard, using their North Face Puffa as a makeshift battering ram. They’ll assert dominance over their peers with the quality and size of their chains. They’ll be able to rap Shutdown word for word on the Crisis dancefloor. Despite looking a bit silly, they’re still lowkey cool, and you’ll hate yourself for thinking it.

He might look hard, but we know he’s scared of being scolded by Mummy.

Hailing from Surrey, Gloucestershire, Bristol, or some generic southern town, their accents will never fail to make the words ‘rah’, ‘bruv’, or ‘safe’ sound hilarious. They can instantly switch from slang to calling mummy and daddy when they need more money, as they’ve rinsed their loan on new Air Max 95s. Commonly seen in Trade, doing their best bass face, and waving their gun fingers, they’ll always show off their crisp Supreme top. Unfortunately, by the end of the night, it will be stained and dishevelled, but will they care? Not really, their parents can just buy them a new one anyway.