Small girls are the heaviest drinkers at uni – change my mind

Making up for height in different ways


They lurk around campus, small bundles of joy, they seem like the most innocent girls you will ever meet. If only you knew back then how much they'd destroy your VK budget and your liver on a night out.

At 5 foot 3 and under, you naturally assume that from a biological perspective these girls cannot metabolise as much alcohol as you, but oh boy are you wrong.

Impartial to a pink gin and slimline lemonade at pres you assume this type of girl will nurse a couple of glasses, once again you are incorrect. Half a litre of Gordons pink down and they still seem relatively sober and looking adamant to set off soon to Crisis – whilst you yourself are struggling with your bottle of Sainsbury's basics vodka.

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The club is bouncing, they suggest rounds, two VKs are bought each to minimise queuing. The sweet sickness of orange VK is beginning to linger in your stomach, you turn around to see this small pocket rocket bouncing around to a current Zara Larson bop – or on a good day a cheeky bit of Fisher – Losing it – still sober. Leaving you to wonder how is this genuinely possible.

Fast forward a couple of hours you are in Angel Row maccies, half-consciously clutching to your 20 nugget sharebox. Meanwhile from below you hear the cheeky words 'afters anyone?', and thats where you start planning your funeral.

It is only at afters signs of alcohol poisoning begin to show in these girls, but by then you are more thank likely unconscious on a randoms sofa somewhere in Lenton.

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The next day you wake up, having missing your 9am you check your phone searching for fragments of what happened last night. Only to see your small friend at campus enjoying a refreshing Caramel Macchiato from Starbs along with the cheeky message 'Shapes tonight?'.

At that point you know what you've got yourself in to by befriending a small sweet looking girl like her.

I've asked myself time and time again the question 'how is this honestly possible?' and whilst I am still in the dark about this hidden mystery of the universe, here are some theories I've gathered:

'We've got a lot to live up to'

Whilst I don't know if this quote was meant to be ironic, it is a quote from a heavy weight small girl herself!! Nothing but respect for my president.

A more nutritious diet?

I firsthand have witnessed the nuterient and carb filled dinners these girls make before a cheeky Ocean or Crisis, and trust me my frozen Sainos pizza seems like nothing in comparison.

No peer pressure from the 'bois'?

Lets face it, girls dont have to deal with the constant screams for someone to "NECK IT!!!!" or to shotgun a tinnie of fosters in the back garden. Eliminating the threat of a prematurely ending night out.

The irony of this however is that these so called 'bois' are usually the ones staggering at pres after 2 cans of cheap lager.

They know their limits?

I for one can say myself that I do not know my limits, and perhaps I will never know them. But for this rare breed of girl perhaps they do? And thats why they can drink anyone under the stable?

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After all of this however I still cannot accurately locate the true reason why these girls are the super soldiers of nights out. Maybe it's one of these reasons, maybe it's not. Does anyone fancy making their diss project on this please?