So you’re going to your first Shapes night

It’s a Thursday night – you’re either recovering from yesterday’s trip to Crisis or prepping yourself for a dip in the Ocean – unless you’re one of the chosen ones.

Deep in the centre of Nottingham, hundreds of the city’s (and probably the world’s) biggest BNOCs are shuffling away in their New Balance trainers to the dankest beats at the infamous Market Bar.

Are you there? Probably not. You definitely won’t be there if you’re a fresher.

Do Shapes pre-drinks really count if it’s not on Snapchat?

Shapes hold an exclusive clientele. If you manage to get a ticket – which is highly unlikely – you can expect to see yourself all over Facebook for the next week, the Shapes watermark on their photos acting as a stamp, approving your incredulous levels.

Want to be there? You’ll need to be wearing the right battle gear in order to be accepted by the extremely popular Shapes crowd.

A forced smile so everybody on social media knows you’re having the ‘SICKEST NIGHT!!!”

Girls first. You’ll need a crop top and the tightest pair of jeans or shorts you can find. You can’t have any baggy denim flapping around when the moves being thrown on that dance floor are far more dangerous than a GCSE wood workshop.

Chaps, a black or white tee with the sleeves rolled as far up as the ASOS material will allow and you’re good to go. That extra bit of arm on display is essential, after all. How else will anybody see your gains?

Jeans: the blacker, the skinnier, the better. Don’t skip leg day, not when your jeans are slimmer than the chances of you making that 9am seminar.

Looks like you’re really enjoying yourself.

The music in Shapes is mainly a mix of house and garage so you’ll need to get into the right frame of mind. This is courtesy of some the biggest and brightest DJs. You’ll 100% have definitely heard of them, or at least pretend you have.

No more cry wanking to Mumford and Sons in your spare time, not when you can be dancing to the same beat over and over again. You go to Shapes now, remember?

Of course you’ll need your phone out. When you’re not texting your dealer, Snapchat stories full of bass wobble and lazers where you thrust the camera in your friends’ faces will let everyone know you belong there.

As the night draws to a close, and you’re not sure if that lad next to you is either really enjoying the wicked DJ set or has made very good friends with the wall, please don’t forget to pick up your gilet from the cloakrooms on the way out. It’ll be cold on the way home; especially after realising you’ve just had one of the biggest nights of your life.

The face of a Shapes regretter.

You better start getting ready for Ocean.